I’m a grinch
Five things that are way sexier in movies than they are in real life, in no particular order.
Sep 1st
Personally, I kind of think movies (and television) are ruining us for real-life interactions with actual people. Despite how often Hollywood may try to think that they’re giving you “real people” characters, they’re just not. And now it’s all so much a part of our lives that I think we’ve almost forgotten how to be real people and interact with other real people. Nowhere is this more true than the sexy time.
And so I give you, in my opinion, five things that are way sexier in the movies than they are in real life:
Affairs: In the movies, everyone is always wearing matching underwear and getting it on in a beautiful hotel suite. That’s just not how it works. In real life, they are messy and usually take place in closets and hallways and cars and stuff.
Sex: In the movies, well, we usually only see the end anyway, but no one ever sweats or does anything clumsy. In real life, sex is sweaty and sometimes you bump heads or laugh or cough in the other person’s mouth. Maybe they should make a movie based around my sex life. I’m one clumsy bitch.
Long Hair: In the movies, women almost always have long hair and it’s never in their faces or anyone else’s. You know, because it’s someone’s JOB to keep it that way. In real life, long hair is in my face, your face, my mouth, your mouth, and I’ve probably just shed it all over the bed and the couch. I still like having longer hair, but man, can it be a pain in the ass.
Big Romantic Gestures: In the movies, these are always awesome and sweet and perfect. No one is worried about money or someone saying no or the whole thing just being one big, cheesy mess. In real life, no one can afford to do nor coordinate the level of BIG ROMANTIC GESTURE you see in the movies. Plus, anything you can think to do, they’ve probably already done in the movies, so then you’re just a big copy cat. Take out the trash when you say you will. That? Is more romantic than you know.
The Beach: In the movies, beaches are the PLACE for the romance. People splash in the water and make out on the sand and have sex on blankets that are magically sand free. In real life? Sand sucks, man. Seriously. It gets in all your crevices and it won’t go away. I’d only have sex on a beach if I was in the market for some vaginal exfoliation. Don’t get me wrong, I love the ocean. Hate the sand. Could we just make the shore out of some sort of wet suit material? Then I will happily have sex on the beach, and not just the drink.
Rather than a breakup, I have a conundrum.
Jul 30th
One of my friends is getting married in September. She’s a friend I met through my ex-boyfriend (they’ve known each other a few months longer). An ex-boyfriend I’m none to fond of. I’m invited to the wedding, but I’ve been told the whole time that he (and his new girlfriend) are not invited. I’ve been planning to go since about April.
Today, said friend emailed me to let me know that she is now, in fact, inviting my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend to her wedding, but she hopes that I’ll still come. And while that’s great and it’s her day and I want her to be happy, spending a weekend in the middle of nowhere (and somewhere we actually spent a weekend TOGETHER once) trapped with my ex and his girlfriend isn’t exactly my idea of a good time, you know?
My friend does sometimes read my blog (sorry, friend, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I swear. It’s your wedding and you have to do what’s going to make you the happiest), so there’s a chance she’ll read this. Hence the vague.
My question is this: Do I suck it up and go spend the weekend with my ex, who is likely to be a drunken asshole? Or is it fair to say that I now can’t come because the conditions under which I accepted the invitation have been changed?
I won’t lie, part of me is a little bit hurt by this, but I think I understand what happened. Ex’s new girlfriend isn’t an asshole, even if Ex is (and everyone knows it), and my friend has become actual friends with her. I would never ever tell her that she shouldn’t have her friend at her wedding. This is my issue, not hers.
So in the end, I’m the one with a decision to make. I can almost guarantee that if I go to this wedding, it will not be good for me. I will survive, yes, but I’m not sure I really want to put myself through it. And I can almost tell you with certainty that he doesn’t want to be around me any more than I want to be around him. This is a person who broke me. Who changed everything (for me, nothing changed for him). A person I loved more deeply than nearly anyone in my life, and who hurt me more than nearly anyone in my life ever has. A person who could discard me just as easily as he gets rid of the trash. And while I have no interest in being with him, I also have no interest in hanging out or being friendly.
I’m sure some of you will say that this means I’m not over it. There are some things about the relationship that I’m not over, actually. HE is not one of them, but there’s plenty of lasting damage from his actions. I’m on friendly terms with nearly everyone else I’ve ever dated, but I can’t imagine that he will ever be one of those. I spent a year and a half with the man, and never really noted him to be a good friend. There’s no reason to want to be friends with him.
And it’s not like this will just be a two-hour event and I can just avoid him. This is a wedding to be held at a campsite-type place in Arkansas. It will be a whole weekend. There will be drinking and partying and such. And being around him drunk is on my list of things I never want to do again. Ever.
Any advice?
Christmas in July!
Jul 28th
Gotcha! It’s not Christmas in July and I don’t have any presents for you. But I do want to talk about presents.
I like getting free stuff as much as the next kid, but I don’t understand all the rules that exist about gifts.
I guess if I had one wish it would be this: I wish all the people of the world would stop being so ridiculously sensitive.
Okay, that probably wouldn’t be my one wish (if I only had one). But let’s pretend for right now.
When someone gives you a gift, particularly if it’s a birthday or Christmas gift, it comes wrapped with all these conditions. You must pretend to like it, even if you don’t. You can’t return it or give it to someone who might enjoy it. You have to wear it, display it, make mention of it around the person who gave it to you.
Why?! If you’re not just giving someone a gift out of obligation, which, in my opinion is what birthday and Christmas gifts usually end up being, why wouldn’t you want them to be happy about the gift they’ve received? I don’t understand. And if you’re not allowed to give any feedback, as the receiver of the gift, how can the gift-giver expect to improve in the future?
Instead, you’re trapped in this vicious circle of pretending to like crocheted belts or diarrhea-colored shirts or purple anything and receiving something similar every time there’s a gift-giving holiday.
Why do we do this to ourselves? I’m actually not against gifts. I like to give people things. I sometimes even like to get presents. I just don’t like the pressure that comes along with the whole thing (also, I suck at surprises in either direction). And I don’t like feeling obligated to give someone something just because it’s a convention (or receiving something out of obligation). What if I want to give you something on May 10, but you’re birthday isn’t until June 15? Or deal with the stress of buying Christmas gifts for everyone I know (last I checked, I don’t get a raise in December and all my bills stay the same…)?
I think the whole gift thing would be so much better if we could all be honest with each other and no one felt forced to give something or like something. People even get offended when I tell them not to buy me presents. Or they argue with me about it or tell me I have a problem. Or my favorite, when asked by my family to make a Christmas list, I got complaints about the things ON the list. “Socks? That’s no fun!” But what if I need socks? (This is a hypothetical. I actually have a bazillion pairs of socks.)
I also have this tiny thing. See, if you think you know me well enough that you should buy me a gift, I think you should know me well enough to be able to get me something I’ll enjoy. Without me having to make a list of things you should give me. That takes all the fun out of it. And so, if you don’t know me well enough to be able to purchase a gift for me without me telling you what to buy? I’d rather you just not buy me anything. I have a job, I receive a paycheck, I can buy stuff for myself. (This entire paragraph is null and void if you want to buy me a car or a beach vacation.) Why on earth should we trade the same $30-value-of-gift back and forth year after year?
I was thinking about this because I heard a guy on the radio telling his co-hosts that someone got his two-year-old daughter a Barbie. He told his friend that he thought the gift was inappropriate for his daughter’s age, and that if the guy wanted to take it back, he should. Then the phones blew up with people calling in to tell this guy how rude he was. I’m sorry, what? He doesn’t get to be the one who judges what’s appropriate for his daughter? Why should he take the gift (and cause his friend to be out the money for the gift) if he was just going to throw it away or give it away?
Putting aside all my many other issues with Barbie, how on earth is a Barbie appropriate for a two-year-old? There are small pieces and parts, which a kid could swallow. It’s not like two-year-olds understand fashion or really like to dress things up. Or that your average two-year-old could even get the clothes on and off a Barbie. Those things are tight. So what’s the problem with telling someone, “Hey, I really appreciate you thinking of me/my daughter, but this gift isn’t really appropriate right now”?
What do you do when you get gifts you don’t like? Do you think you’d want someone to tell you if your gift wasn’t well received?
Whatever, Guy.
Jul 1st
**Special shout-out to Jules ( @meangirlgarage ) over at Mean Girl Garage! I just got my Babeland gift card in the mail from her giveaway, and I’m so excited! She’s having another giveaway today, so go over and check it out. Oh, it’s about sex toys, so only go check it out if you like sex toys. Otherwise…yeah, you’re probably not going to be interested. Thanks Jules!**
[Author's note: While looking for a graphic for this post, I was thinking about the MOVIE Swingers. So I typed "Swingers" into Google images and WHOA SIR THAT IS A LOT OF PENIS. I'm totally scarred and there will be no picture for this post. Sorry. And if you google image that word, I am SO not responsible for you getting fired. It should go without saying that it was incredibly NSFW. Yes, I'm at work.]
There’s this expression in the gaming world — okay, it’s probably not only in the gaming world, but that’s the only place I’ve really encountered it…you know what? Yeah, I should probably explain why I know things about the “gaming world.”
See, back in the day, I dated a guy for quite some time. Almost four years. And that guy? He was a gamer. So yeah, I’ve played some World of Warcraft and I’ll thank you to shut your whore mouth about it.
One night, we were playing WoW (man, it’s hard to type those words for the general public), and there was some dude being kind of a (virtual) jackass. My boyfriend (at the time) said to him, “Okay, guy.” This led to an hour long discussion of what on earth that means and how impressed I was that one could convey so much disdain by calling someone “guy.”
Well, I can never remember how the expression goes, so to me, it’s always, “Whatever, guy.” Which is WRONG. But I’m here to say to you, “Whatever, guy.”
And in this case, by “guy,” I mean you. You, Mr. Tries Too Hard. You, Mr. Needs So Much Attention. You, Mr. Wink and Point Guy. You know who you are.
Calm it down, dude. No one can keep up with that. It’s exhausting.
More than that, you never appear to be genuine to anyone with half a brain. Because anyone with half a brain can see that all you want is attention and that you will do and say whatever you think will get you the most. The problem is that it will never be enough. And you’re likely to drain the people in your life. Then you’ll just move on to new people and start the process over again.
Here are the Top 5 7 Ways Shine Would Suggest You Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass and Be A More Tolerable Human:
1. Stop saying you love everyone. You’re making the word cheap. How will anyone know when you really mean it, if you say it to everyone upon first meeting?
2. Stop trying so hard. For fuck’s sake, aren’t you tired? Figure out who you are, and be THAT.
3. Stop talking over people to make yourself heard. It’s okay to let others speak. And hey, if you listen, they just might say something interesting. Or talk about you. Which you love. (This rule is null and void if you’re in a conversation with someone who is just like you.)
4. Stop treating women like objects. It’s 2010 and we’re over it. It’s not “charming,” it’s annoying. We can see right through you. Women are people, too, and we aren’t here purely for your tactical and visual pleasure. Just because you want to touch us doesn’t mean we want you to touch us, capish? You’re not entitled to any parts of my body just because you exist and I’m near you.
5. Stop committing to do everything. No one has time to do everything. But since you can’t stand to be left out of the party, you can’t say no to anything. Mostly it just means that you either disappoint people or you show up most places tired and grumpy.
6. Stop being so damned sensitive. Just because someone doesn’t buy in to your particular brand of bullshit, it doesn’t mean you should threaten to jump off a bridge. Or any other such dramatic thing that’s totally empty because you’re just saying it to get attention. You can see how this is a problem, right?
7. Be your own person. Copying the behavior of other people is sad and pathetic. I mean, yes, we all pick things up from other people occasionally, but flat out ripping off someone else’s thing? Not cool, dude. Find your own swagger. (Yes, I just fucking said “swagger.”)
Here’s the best part. If you read that and thought, “Oh why is Shine being so mean to me?” Yeah, I’m probably talking about you. Unfortunately, some people are so clueless about their own behavior that they won’t get it. But that’s okay, they’re usually unreachable anyway.
Facebook? It's not me, it's you.
Dec 30th
After deleting my MySpace account (I know, right? What’s MySpace?), I felt so…free. It was a great feeling.
Facebook? You’re on thin ice.
Look, I love Spam as much as the next Tennessee kid, but I need to make a request. People, PLEASE, be a little more discriminate in the people you click to invite to EVERY GROUP AND APPLICATION YOU JOIN.
Have you ever gotten such a request from me? No. You know why? Because I don’t really join anything. But also because when I do, I don’t feel the need to invite everyone I know to it. It’s just rude.
If I get one more email that “So-and-so has invited you to LOVE JESUS!” I’m going to scream. Because I don’t love Jesus. I mean, look, I’m sure he was a nice guy and all, but I don’t really have any ties to him.
Here are the groups I’ve been invited to join RECENTLY:
- One Million Strong Against Socialism – Guess what! We don’t live in a socialist country. So unless you’re fighting someone else’s battle against socialism, I’d suggest you find another catch phrase.
- Mafia Wars ANYTHING – If I haven’t joined by now, I’m probably not gonna, right? Get the picture, please.
- Retake Congress – I don’t really wanna, but thanks. This was fun. Also, I’m not a republican.
- Take Back America in 2010 & 2012 – From Whom? Oh, I see…because those shady democrats got a hold of it. I’m not really much of a democrat either, but good grief. You lost. GET OVER IT.
- Virginia UNCONSTITUTIONAL NULLIFICATION RESOLUTION Coalition – I don’t even know what this means. I looked it up, and I’m thinking it has something to do with state’s rights and not letting the federal government dictate what individual states can do. But I’m not sure if you’re for that or against it. Either way, it’s a dangerous little game you’re playing, except that you don’t actually affect anything anywhere anyhow. Aside from annoying the crap out of me.
- Become a fan of Jesus Daily! – Again, I’m sure Jesus was a nice guy. I’m also pretty sure he doesn’t give a damn about Facebook. He’d probably want you to stop getting on my nerves. Don’t make Jesus cry; stop sending me these invitations.
- Calling all Christians! Let’s see how many Christians there are on Facebook! – I’m guessing…about ten REALLY LOUD ones. Then a bunch of other people who are willing to join and do nothing.
- I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate cancer! – It would be a bigger challenge to find a dozen people who love it. Just sayin’. At least make it interesting.
I’m not a Christian. I’m not a republican. I’m not so much a democrat (because generally I hate politicians and everything that goes with them). I’m not conservative. I don’t like the mafia. I don’t want to farm on the internets (I don’t even understand the DRAW of this one, but I’m going to just assume it must be fun or something). I don’t like cancer, but then no one does. I don’t care if some guy in Utah or whatever can decorate his house like a pirate ship if ONLY 1,000,000 people join THIS group. I don’t want to be in the BIGGEST GROUP ON FACEBOOK LIKE EVER TOTALLY OKAY.
It’s completely unnecessary for you to just invite everyone on your friends list to every group you join. Have a little respect for other people’s beliefs. Not to mention their tolerance for your spam. I can’t find any way to take myself off the “INVITE ME” list, so you’re just going to have to work with me. Or I’ll be happy to start sending you invitations to every atheist, socialist, political leftist, anarchist, cancer-loving group I CAN FIND. This is not a joke.
Friends don’t let friends invite everyone to everything. Think about it. It’s in your hands.
