Sometimes I drink and do stupid things
Whatever, Guy.
Jul 1st
**Special shout-out to Jules ( @meangirlgarage ) over at Mean Girl Garage! I just got my Babeland gift card in the mail from her giveaway, and I’m so excited! She’s having another giveaway today, so go over and check it out. Oh, it’s about sex toys, so only go check it out if you like sex toys. Otherwise…yeah, you’re probably not going to be interested. Thanks Jules!**
[Author's note: While looking for a graphic for this post, I was thinking about the MOVIE Swingers. So I typed "Swingers" into Google images and WHOA SIR THAT IS A LOT OF PENIS. I'm totally scarred and there will be no picture for this post. Sorry. And if you google image that word, I am SO not responsible for you getting fired. It should go without saying that it was incredibly NSFW. Yes, I'm at work.]
There’s this expression in the gaming world — okay, it’s probably not only in the gaming world, but that’s the only place I’ve really encountered it…you know what? Yeah, I should probably explain why I know things about the “gaming world.”
See, back in the day, I dated a guy for quite some time. Almost four years. And that guy? He was a gamer. So yeah, I’ve played some World of Warcraft and I’ll thank you to shut your whore mouth about it.
One night, we were playing WoW (man, it’s hard to type those words for the general public), and there was some dude being kind of a (virtual) jackass. My boyfriend (at the time) said to him, “Okay, guy.” This led to an hour long discussion of what on earth that means and how impressed I was that one could convey so much disdain by calling someone “guy.”
Well, I can never remember how the expression goes, so to me, it’s always, “Whatever, guy.” Which is WRONG. But I’m here to say to you, “Whatever, guy.”
And in this case, by “guy,” I mean you. You, Mr. Tries Too Hard. You, Mr. Needs So Much Attention. You, Mr. Wink and Point Guy. You know who you are.
Calm it down, dude. No one can keep up with that. It’s exhausting.
More than that, you never appear to be genuine to anyone with half a brain. Because anyone with half a brain can see that all you want is attention and that you will do and say whatever you think will get you the most. The problem is that it will never be enough. And you’re likely to drain the people in your life. Then you’ll just move on to new people and start the process over again.
Here are the Top 5 7 Ways Shine Would Suggest You Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass and Be A More Tolerable Human:
1. Stop saying you love everyone. You’re making the word cheap. How will anyone know when you really mean it, if you say it to everyone upon first meeting?
2. Stop trying so hard. For fuck’s sake, aren’t you tired? Figure out who you are, and be THAT.
3. Stop talking over people to make yourself heard. It’s okay to let others speak. And hey, if you listen, they just might say something interesting. Or talk about you. Which you love. (This rule is null and void if you’re in a conversation with someone who is just like you.)
4. Stop treating women like objects. It’s 2010 and we’re over it. It’s not “charming,” it’s annoying. We can see right through you. Women are people, too, and we aren’t here purely for your tactical and visual pleasure. Just because you want to touch us doesn’t mean we want you to touch us, capish? You’re not entitled to any parts of my body just because you exist and I’m near you.
5. Stop committing to do everything. No one has time to do everything. But since you can’t stand to be left out of the party, you can’t say no to anything. Mostly it just means that you either disappoint people or you show up most places tired and grumpy.
6. Stop being so damned sensitive. Just because someone doesn’t buy in to your particular brand of bullshit, it doesn’t mean you should threaten to jump off a bridge. Or any other such dramatic thing that’s totally empty because you’re just saying it to get attention. You can see how this is a problem, right?
7. Be your own person. Copying the behavior of other people is sad and pathetic. I mean, yes, we all pick things up from other people occasionally, but flat out ripping off someone else’s thing? Not cool, dude. Find your own swagger. (Yes, I just fucking said “swagger.”)
Here’s the best part. If you read that and thought, “Oh why is Shine being so mean to me?” Yeah, I’m probably talking about you. Unfortunately, some people are so clueless about their own behavior that they won’t get it. But that’s okay, they’re usually unreachable anyway.
It was probably the best date I’ve had in years.
Jun 1st
It’s possible that the world is about to explode, y’all. Hold on to your really adorable hats.
Yesterday, April had a pool party. Very reasonable amounts of vodka were consumed. And at around 3:30 pm, one of the cutest boys in the world showed up.
I’m not sure how we started talking. But soon, he had eyes only for me. Well, and his mom. He was three, you see. (Hanging out with children causes me to channel Dr. Seuss.) He had big blue eyes and a bright green Speedo life jacket. And he loved me.
We all know how I feel about children. In my life, only a few have ever managed to interest me. This one had excellent manners and a rockin’ little personality. We were all over that pool. Today I am sunburned; I have concrete rash on my wrist, face, and knees; I have blisters on my toes; and my arms and legs are so sore I can barely move. Oh and that pedicure I gave myself is all but scraped away.
And you know what? It was worth it.
After we had been playing for a while, he had to go to the bathroom. His mom took him inside, and apparently he said “Okay, I want to go see Shine now” immediately after he was finished. When he got outside, he looked at me (with those big blue eyes) and said, “I think we should go to your place. My mom can come, too.”
So yeah, this weekend, I got picked up by a three-year-old. You men in your twenties and thirties could learn a few lessons from him. Probably less mommy talk.
In unrelated news, it’s possible that I’m going to be co-hosting a radio show about pop culture and entertainment! More details to follow. Yes, I’m freaking out. Yes, I’m concerned about my lack of internal filter. Yes, I still refuse to talk about anything related to Justin Beiber or Twilight.
Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that I don’t make my mother sorry she birthed me, m’kay?
Well, no, we didn’t take any pictures.
Apr 28th
This weekend, my climbing gym had a member lock-in.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, we were all adults. Yes, we still had a lock-in. I suggest you get over it.
It was $10 to get in and they provided a keg and some barbecue for snacking (I didn’t eat any. Three more days of vegan!). Obviously, drinking and climbing is kind of like drinking and driving (in a really broad sense), so we were allowed to climb as much as we wanted…until we started drinking. Once you got your cup, no more climbing for you.
Laura and I climbed until about 1:00 am, and then proceeded to get our drink on. Well, sort of. Okay, truth be told, we didn’t really drink very much. But we did discover a new favorite hobby: Watching lead climbing. Y’all, some of these people are GOOD. And, uh, there’s the added bonus that most of the dudes are shirtless. I’m guessing shirts really harsh your vibe while you’re climbing. If you had asked me a year ago what my favorite part of a man’s body was, I would have said “triceps” in a heartbeat. I mean, you know, or smile whatever. Now? I can easily tell you that a nice back makes me a little woozy.
Also, I might have pulled a Natalie. Which MIGHT have had Laura in stitches. But don’t worry, I was over it in about 20 minutes. That 20 minutes, though? Some of the more awkward minutes of my life.
Hi, I’m a dumbass.
I also played my first game of foosball ever. Let’s just say that I don’t have any natural skill or talent in that department. And I kind of think that’s the dumbest word ever. Just look at it. FOOSBALL. It’s ridiculous. How can anyone take that seriously?
The guy we were playing at foosball was, uh, really pretty good. But, as one of my guy friends pointed out, people who are good at foosball? Yeah, they probably don’t have a life. I don’t think I can judge, though. I’m really good at untying knots. And I LIKE it.
In my opinion, the lock-in was a huge load of fun. Like a barrel of monkeys in a very literal way. No one went to sleep.
My blog thinks some of you are spam. I can’t seem to change that.
Jan 26th
Dear readers,
My blog hates some of you, but I want to take this moment to tell you that I do NOT. I promise that I’m trying to convince my anti-spammy thing that you guys are my FRIENDS, and not, say, the people who are trying to sell me a mail-order bride or viagra. Only one of which I’m considering. I’ll let you guy mull that over for a few minutes.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you to rest-assured that I will approve your comments as soon as I find them. My blog finds Erin at snarke.net “quite spammy” and often quarantines her! I’m not sure what quarantine is like, but last time she was sitting in there next to a bot trying to sell everyone Ambien. So at least she probably got a good night’s sleep…and possibly purchased some furniture online without remembering it.
I promise I love you guys!
Shine
In other news, I had a lovely weekend of…not doing a whole hell of a lot. I watched a lot of NCIS. SHUT UP, I know. But I love it anyway. Saturday was girls’ night out and I was the only one without an “L” name. I guess this means I need new friends?
I’m kidding, guys. You know I love you all. Even if I am the odd duck for not having an “L” name.
Favorite line of the night? “The Asian Pear Martini at the restaurant where I used to work was so good, I creamed my pants.” And for that line, I left my friend’s phone number for our cute waiter. Who needs a haircut. Okay, maybe I’m hoping they’ll go out JUST so she can convince him to cut his hair.
A lesson in what not to do. And an awesome time at #pbandtuna.
Oct 19th
So this weekend, the fabulous M and I put our asses on a plane to fly to DC for LiLu and Maxie‘s wedding, AKA #pbandtuna.
There are some obvious logistical and practical problems with this plan. Mainly that we spent a total of 12 hours on planes to go to a party for less than half that amount of time.
TOTALLY WORTH IT.
If you’d like to read about the ticket purchase, please click here. It was a bit of a disaster.
We managed to get to the airport at 5:45 AM and get on our 6:45 AM flight. We were more than a little giggly, but we soon PASSED THE FUCK OUT. We slept so much that we didn’t realize that the flight was actually over two hours long.
Once we finally made it to DC, M headed off with LateNight Drama Queen to have lunch with her Grams in Baltimore, while I was picked up by the lovely PQ and we went to snuggle the faces of GingerMandy and Just a Girl (and JP, of course).
I? Was in blogger heaven.
What no one bothered to mention is that people in DC don’t stay home on the weekends. They drive. IN MY WAY. We sat in so much traffic, I was sort of concerned that my ass was going to permanently attach to PQ’s front seat. Why weren’t these people home having sex?!? Having said that, I’ve never had so much fun in a car, sitting in traffic.
And then it was finally time to go to #pbandtuna!
I would list all the lovelies I met, but…well, I was a little too drunk to remember. But I will say this: LiLu (and B), Maxie, Alexa, Lexa, Rachel, Alice, Just A Girl, GingerMandy, PQ, JP, Matt, Katie, Restaurant Refugee, fB, katierose, LateNight Drama Queen, and too many more to name. You guys are all amazing.
I can’t even tell you what happened because…what the fuck happened? A bunch of awesome, that’s what.
The worst decision? To fly home with a massive, angry hangover. On two planes with screaming children. I almost died. Scratch that. Children almost died. And I know exactly what I’m breaking up with this Friday. I’m looking at you kids on airplanes.
