Archive for December, 2009
Facebook? It's not me, it's you.
Dec 30th
After deleting my MySpace account (I know, right? What’s MySpace?), I felt so…free. It was a great feeling.
Facebook? You’re on thin ice.
Look, I love Spam as much as the next Tennessee kid, but I need to make a request. People, PLEASE, be a little more discriminate in the people you click to invite to EVERY GROUP AND APPLICATION YOU JOIN.
Have you ever gotten such a request from me? No. You know why? Because I don’t really join anything. But also because when I do, I don’t feel the need to invite everyone I know to it. It’s just rude.
If I get one more email that “So-and-so has invited you to LOVE JESUS!” I’m going to scream. Because I don’t love Jesus. I mean, look, I’m sure he was a nice guy and all, but I don’t really have any ties to him.
Here are the groups I’ve been invited to join RECENTLY:
- One Million Strong Against Socialism – Guess what! We don’t live in a socialist country. So unless you’re fighting someone else’s battle against socialism, I’d suggest you find another catch phrase.
- Mafia Wars ANYTHING – If I haven’t joined by now, I’m probably not gonna, right? Get the picture, please.
- Retake Congress – I don’t really wanna, but thanks. This was fun. Also, I’m not a republican.
- Take Back America in 2010 & 2012 – From Whom? Oh, I see…because those shady democrats got a hold of it. I’m not really much of a democrat either, but good grief. You lost. GET OVER IT.
- Virginia UNCONSTITUTIONAL NULLIFICATION RESOLUTION Coalition – I don’t even know what this means. I looked it up, and I’m thinking it has something to do with state’s rights and not letting the federal government dictate what individual states can do. But I’m not sure if you’re for that or against it. Either way, it’s a dangerous little game you’re playing, except that you don’t actually affect anything anywhere anyhow. Aside from annoying the crap out of me.
- Become a fan of Jesus Daily! – Again, I’m sure Jesus was a nice guy. I’m also pretty sure he doesn’t give a damn about Facebook. He’d probably want you to stop getting on my nerves. Don’t make Jesus cry; stop sending me these invitations.
- Calling all Christians! Let’s see how many Christians there are on Facebook! – I’m guessing…about ten REALLY LOUD ones. Then a bunch of other people who are willing to join and do nothing.
- I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate cancer! – It would be a bigger challenge to find a dozen people who love it. Just sayin’. At least make it interesting.
I’m not a Christian. I’m not a republican. I’m not so much a democrat (because generally I hate politicians and everything that goes with them). I’m not conservative. I don’t like the mafia. I don’t want to farm on the internets (I don’t even understand the DRAW of this one, but I’m going to just assume it must be fun or something). I don’t like cancer, but then no one does. I don’t care if some guy in Utah or whatever can decorate his house like a pirate ship if ONLY 1,000,000 people join THIS group. I don’t want to be in the BIGGEST GROUP ON FACEBOOK LIKE EVER TOTALLY OKAY.
It’s completely unnecessary for you to just invite everyone on your friends list to every group you join. Have a little respect for other people’s beliefs. Not to mention their tolerance for your spam. I can’t find any way to take myself off the “INVITE ME” list, so you’re just going to have to work with me. Or I’ll be happy to start sending you invitations to every atheist, socialist, political leftist, anarchist, cancer-loving group I CAN FIND. This is not a joke.
Friends don’t let friends invite everyone to everything. Think about it. It’s in your hands.
Strange things are afoot.
Dec 23rd
****Have you resubscribed to my new feed yet? No? CLICK HERE!****
I don’t know about you, but I keep hearing these commercials on the radio about how gift cards have a monthly service fee and all the money you’ve got stored there is slowly being sucked away.
Anyone?
It’s an American Express commercial and they want you to know that they’ve solved the problem for you. They’ve decided to give you your gift cards for free! No hidden monthly service fees!
Except, well, I just got an American Express gift card for my birthday. And while it’s true that they waive the monthly service fee for a year, after that, I will be charged $2.00 per month every month the card still has a balance. So it seems that American Express isn’t really eliminating the problem, just postponing it.
Granted this probably isn’t an issue for any normal human being, but I tend to hold on to my gift cards for long periods of time, until I’ve found exactly the right purchase. For instance, I just used the one from my birthday in 2008 to buy a watch a couple of weeks ago. Thanks Aunt Kim!
I thought I’d do a little research in the matter, and it seems that American Express is telling you straight about one thing: Gift cards are tricky little buggers. I just read this Consumer Reports article on them. It was pretty informative. Well, in a really general way.
I guess what I’m saying is…gift cards are nice, but use them FAST! Or, ya know, request cash. At least then you’re only at the mercy of the economy and stuff.
Now, I’m interrupting myself to tell you some exciting news! My little ol’ blog was ON THE RADIO! Yes, you heard me. I WAS ON THE RADIO. It seems a Mr. Artie Spanier (I know, doesn’t he look special?) googled himself and discovered that on the day before Thanksgiving, while breaking up with Dallas Cowboys fans, I called him scum and wished him salmonella for Thanksgiving. Apparently, this upset him. So he mentioned my little blog on the radio! Looks like we’re famous, guys!
We need to talk. It's serious.
Dec 22nd
On Saturday, while doing some super important lying around on my couch, I thought, “Self, you know what you need? You need a Wii!”
Then I thought, “Self, that means getting off the couch. Oh, and you’ll probably want to put on some pants.”
That part of the plan sucked, but I made it through.
I got in my car, it magically started, and I drove myself to the nearest Target. Somehow, I had forgotten to consider the implications of it being the Saturday before CHRISTMAS.
How, you ask? Because Christmas isn’t really my thing anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the day off. But as I don’t believe in God and stuff…well, let’s just say I don’t really have the urge to celebrate his son’s birthday.
Also, I HATE Christmas music. With a passion.
Well, lookie there, I just had a little rant in the middle of my rant. Aren’t you excited?!
Sometime around pulling out of my parking garage and pulling in to the Target parking lot, this realization hit my in the face. I was about to go to TARGET. On the Saturday before Christmas. To buy a Wii. WITH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.
I was committed to the mission, though, so I pushed forward. I parked about ten miles from the door to my neighborhood Target, did a fair amount of cursing to get to my parking space, and then even more to get to the actual door and inside the Target.
There were a million people in there. It was an absolute madhouse. Children were screaming, old people were cowering in the corners, mothers were crying.
Okay, I’m exaggerating. But it was really busy.
Shockingly, they had no Wiis. Hehe. No Wiis.
I had a second brain-child-style plan and thought, “Self, maybe they’ll have one at Best Buy.”
Now, I hate Best Buy in even the most calm of shopping experiences. Why I thought it would be a good idea to go there on the SATURDAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS is beyond the capabilities of my little brain to process. RIDICULOUS.
And this is where we have a talk. Because at Best Buy? It took me 20 minutes to park and then 20 MINUTES TO UNPARK.
Just because the holidays are upon us, does NOT give you the right to be an asshole. Seriously. The rules have not changed just because it’s the “season of giving.” By giving, I don’t think anyone means “giving someone the urge to murder you for deciding you’re too good for common courtesy.”
These are the Top 10 Reasons I think we should do away with Christmas:
10. Just because it’s for your child and I’m an adult, you do NOT have the right to snatch it out of my hands.
9. I understand that you have somewhere to be. I do, too. If you stop being a jerk, we could probably both get there faster. Basically, IT’S OKAY TO LET ME OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE. Especially when you’re already sitting at a full stop with no hope of moving.
8. Those shopping carts? They’re actually not made to decorate the parking lot. Put them back.
7. Along the same lines, if the stores would like you to return the carts to their handy little cart-return dealimaboppers, they might consider actually putting them in the backs of the parking lots, so you don’t have to walk almost the whole way back to the store. We all know you’re too lazy important for that, right?
6. Christmas music. Nuff said.
5. Somehow the holidays are an excuse to keep your child up after its bedtime, so that it can be out in the store where I am, screaming its head off when it should clearly be sleeping.
4. Just because that STOP sign is red doesn’t mean it’s a Christmas decoration. It still means STOP. I’m talking to you.
3. Now we’re all broke from buying crap for other people that they don’t need and we’re about to have to receive a bunch of crap we don’t need from other people all in the name of making ourselves feel better about being kind, giving people. I’m guessing if we all saved our money, we could buy our own crap. This rule does not apply to those with more money than everyone else. You guys can feel free to buy presents.
2. The poor poor people who actually have to work over the holidays don’t need your attitude. No, really. They don’t. It’s not their fault that someone else bought the last Tickle Me Elmo (can you tell it’s been a while since I paid any attention to Christmas shopping?). I thought this was the season of giving? Were we only talking about attitude?
1. And finally, Santa is obviously communicating to children that it’s cool to be obese. C’mon, dude. It’s an epidemic. Maybe lay off the cookies, eh?
In other news, I actually did find a Wii at the third place I stopped. I HAVE A WII! And I’m totally not admitting to this, but I may or may not have purchased…um, this*. Wanna play?
*Yes, I look exactly as ridiculously hilarious as you think while playing this game. Also, my arms HURT.
I have a new home!
Dec 18th
So if you’re here, it means you’re not an asshole and you decided to go ahead and follow me on over to my new home.
If you’re not here, well…I think you can put two and two together. But you don’t have to because you’re also not reading this.
Pity.
I think this little adventure into WordPress will be fun for everyone. Can’t you feel the excitement? Now I can reply to your comments individually. I’m so excited!
Of course, it’s probable that sometimes I still won’t do that because I’m very busy and important and all that jazz. You know how it is. The life of a blogger.
Just in case you haven’t already, click HERE (DO IT!) to subscribe yourself to my feed. If nothing else, how could you not want to see that sunshine everyday?
I want to take a second to thank the lovely and talented PQ for all her hard work on this. I’m pretty much an idiot when it comes to programming the internets, you see, so she offered up her services at a very reasonable price. If you ever want to change up your own blog, you know who to call. You understand I that by “who,” I mean PQ, and by “call,” I mean email or some other form of civilized communication. I’m not giving you her number because it’s MINE. And she likes it when I call her and talk to her in my GPS voice.
Also, this is a blog-warming party, so where are my presents?
What do you mean you didn’t bring any? Wine? Food? NOTHING? Man…you guys are slackin’.
TMI Thursday – No, but really…this happened.
Dec 17th
Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. It’s time for LiLu’s TMI Thursday!
I’m writing this on Tuesday because well, because it happened last night. I’d like to keep all the details fresh.
Last night, after I got home from work, I decided to take a bath before meeting my mom for dinner. For those of you who know me, you know how much I love a good bath. I had about an hour, so I settled in with a book for a good soak.
Of course, in the middle of it, I had to get out and poop, but that’s a whole different TMI story. Probably one that doesn’t need to be told.
Anyway, I finished my bath, but instead of reaching down to unplug the drain while I was still sitting in it, the way I normally would, I just…got out of the tub. With all the water still sitting in it.
I realized my mistake as I was drying myself off, so I went to the side of the tub where the drain is located, so I could lean down and unplug it.
Sounds simple, right? But here’s the thing. My skin was still all wet. And my shower curtain is vinyl. It was basically like sitting in a car with vinyl seats on a hot summer day. My skin stuck to the shower curtain like a tongue to a frozen metal pole. All of my momentum was carrying me forward. I lost my footing and proceeded to fall, head first, back into the tub. Pulling the shower curtain into the tub with me, but somehow not ripping it from its metal loops on the rod itself.
It took me a few minutes to come to terms with what had just happened and then a couple more minutes to untangle myself. I got out of the tub, dried myself off and realized…I still hadn’t unplugged the drain.
