Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time for LiLu’s TMI Thursday.

TMI Thursday

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a TMI Thursday. So here goes.

My vagina is grounded. It apparently has magical powers that make men act like crazy, stalking, emotional fools, so April said I can’t use it any more. Oh, and I’m not allowed to say “Hi.”

What? I do “Hi” really well.

Anyway, my vagina has been grounded for about a month now. Which is fine with me, really, because I have had no urge to share it*. Since it doesn’t make me crazy, I’m allowed to use it for myself.

Because I’m me, of course, I really had to get all the rules to this grounding. Just in case. I haven’t been grounded since high school (the trip to Mexico was TOTALLY not worth it, in retrospect), so I wanted to make sure I remembered how it worked.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: So this whole “my vagina is grounded” thing. Can we talk about it?

April: You’re not getting out of it.

Me: NO! I just want to make sure I understand the rules.

April: It’s GROUNDED. How hard is that?

Me: Well, is it grounded all the time or are there special circumstances in which I might be allowed to use it should I ever get the urge?

April: ……….

Me: Let’s say, I travel to another country. Am I allowed to use it there? Or what if I meet someone here who doesn’t live in the same city? State? Country? Would that be okay? I mean, let’s say I meet an adorable Australian man and he’s only in town for the week and he has a hotel room, so he won’t know where I live and I don’t give him my phone number. Could we declare his hotel room some sort of sovereign state for the evening?

April: You are a pain in the ass.

Me: These are LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS! Would you really deny me an Australian man? LIKE DR. CHASE?

April: Okay, I don’t think it’s good enough that he just lives in another state. If he doesn’t live in the country and he’s going to be gone within the week, I suppose you can have permission. BUT THOSE ARE THE ONLY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Me: What about Canada? It’s attached.

April: I think there should be an ocean involved. If he has to cross an ocean to get back to you, I think we can safely assume he’ll stay away.

So there you have it folks. You continental US people are OUT. As well as the Canadians. I’m guessing that also leaves out the people of Mexico. And really anyone in Central or South America, since they’re still kind of attached by a piece of land.  (Which is good because everyone I know who goes to Central or South America ends up married to a midget Peruvian.)

Europeans? Africans? AUSTRALIANS? Call me. Don’t expect me to answer though. I’m difficult like that.

*Except earlier this week when I may or may not have ended up in a…sticky situation. I know. It seems like I would have told you that story for TMI Thursday, doesn’t it?