Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time for LiLu’s TMI Thursday.

TMI Thursday

In case you guys didn’t get the memo, it’s the LAST TMI THURSDAY EVER. So whether you generally roll your eyes or lose your lunch, let’s show our darling LiLu some love, eh?

Today, I’m going to spin you a tale of lost vriginity.

But not mine.

One of my best friends in high school was a twin. Not that her twin wasn’t my friend, but you know how it is in high school And this one was my “bestie.” Only we didn’t call each other “bestie,” because even then that sounded silly.

Or no one had made up that word. It was probably that.

So my bestie, let’s call her Toots, was a little, shall we say? Behind with the boys. Her sister was kind of a knockout and also more outgoing (and more of a bitch, but that’s really not the point). So Toots hadn’t really made the rounds with the boys yet.

I’d had boyfriends in high school. One in particular for most of it. Aside from freshman year when I “went out” with this guy for a couple of weeks and wouldn’t let him kiss me and then broke up with him over the phone (because we never saw each other, yo) and then he sat across from me in Spanish class and cried. I think that was where the “If you date me and we break up, you must cry. No matter who does the breaking up.” rule was founded.

I was essentially a late bloomer though. I didn’t really know anything about sex, so I didn’t actually (voluntarily) get my groove on until after high school. And by “after high school,” I mean “on graduation night.”

But Toots? I think she had kissed a boy once in sixth grade on a dare or something.

She never dated anyone, she never made out with random strangers in clubs in Mexico (like the REST OF US, duh), she didn’t flirt with boys, and boys didn’t really pay her much attention. As you can imagine, she wasn’t fond of any of this.

Well, after my boyfriend and I broke up, but before I got back together with my regular high school boyfriend, I slept with another boy. Not a cute boy. And a REALLY sweaty boy. With a less than average penis and absolutely no skills. Don’t worry, I used a condom (don’t be a fool, wrap your tool). I didn’t really like this guy. I didn’t even really want to have sex with him. But I also didn’t want to seem “uncool.” So I did it.

A couple of weeks later, I was hanging out with Toots at her place. Her parents were out of town and her sister was out with her boyfriend, and for some unknown reason, it seemed like a good idea to call Sweaty Boy and invite him to hang out.

Still to this day, I could not tell you why THAT’S the boy we chose. He was a sleazebag.

He came over and we were all doing our best “hanging out.” We decided to watch a movie. In her parents room. Just the three of us.

Again, how this ever seemed like a good idea, I do not know. I was young and stupid.

Sweaty Boy keeps trying his best to touch my lady parts again. I keep pushing him off because EW. And now I know it’s EW and I don’t need to prove I’m not a prude AND he wasn’t even good at it, so I dare him to say anything bad about ME.

I didn’t feel any groping hands for a few minutes, so I looked over. And yeah, he and Toots were makin’ out.

Awkward, party of one.

I thought maybe they’d stop, so I just kept really still and quiet.

Pretty soon, soft moans were coming from Toots. This was because Sweaty Boy had his hands all up in her pretty parts.

I sat up and started to leave, but he reached over (I’m HOPING with the non-Toots parts hand) and said, “What if you just stay right here?”

I said, “You disgust me. Toots?”

She was looking at me with that determined “I am so going to lose my virginity and you better get the hell out of here” look.

So I went out in the hallway (I had no vehicle and stealing Toots’s car seemed a little dramatic) and had to listen to my best friend lose her virginity in her parents’ bed to the sweaty boy I’d had sex with a couple of weeks earlier.