But now I see the error of my ways. You thought I was going to say “I was petrified,” didn’t you? Admit it!

Yesterday, I stumbled upon possibly the greatest thing of all time. Basil Marceaux (dot com), candidate for Governor of Tennessee. If you haven’t seen his videos, you’re missing out.

I’m giving you the video with subtitles for two reason. One, because maybe you’re at work and you can’t hear what he’s saying. Trust me, you need to know. And two, because YES, he really is saying what you think you’re not hearing correctly.

I just realized that a news station in Tennessee has a second video of him for all of us to watch, as well. I don’t think this one has made it to YouTube. He believes in a requirement for every children to read the minutes of the Congress.

And how can we argue?

Not only are his videos genius, but his website? Man, I’ve laughed so hard I cried. I can’t even decide on a favorite part. And seriously, take your time as you peruse. There’s a lot of information there.

I love this: VOTE FOR ME AND IF I WIN I WILL IMMUNE YOU FROM ALL STATE CRIMES FOR THE REST OF YOU LIFE!

Honestly, I’m kind of down with this plan. I could use immunity from state crimes. Oh wait, is he saying I can commit state crimes and get away with it? Or that I won’t have any committed against me? I can’t tell. Either way, immunity is usually good on reality television, right?

And this: My friends a beer stores say they must check 200 D/L a day that 400 minutes a day per clerk which is over 6 hours at $ 7.00 a hour that $ 42.00, with it mandatory then we must pay them.

His friend is a beer store! Free drinks for everyone. They might be warm, though, depending on how his friend stores the beer. Also, I have no idea what any of the above statement means. That store clerks should get paid extra money for checking IDs? Or that we should all get paid for the time they spend checking our IDs? Because I’m on board with the second! What a waste of time! I feel like it might take longer for Basil to do the math than your average store clerk, though.

But I think this is my favorite, under his “What Important” section: See why dental is not in most plans a tooth aches hurt more than a back aches and no teeths depresses people

No teeths DOES depress people! And Basil would know, as he seems to be missing a few of them. It’s possible he’s speaking from personal experience here. I think “no teeths depresses people” is like, my new motto for life, yo.

I can actually see one set of my grandparents voting for this guy. So it’s a good thing we moved them to Texas. Most of my family does still live in Tennessee, though. Here’s to hoping that this election doesn’t turn into that one season of American Idol where everyone was voting for the worst kid, just to see if they could make him the winner. Although, well…maybe it would teach Tennessee a lesson to let this man be in charge for a little while? Ha! I keed, I keed. I don’t see him getting elected, but I’m damn sure going to let him entertain me in the meantime. You can also follow (fake) Basil Marceaux (dot com) on Twitter.

Oh oh, and if you really can’t get enough, his son is running for Tennessee State House of Representatives! Or something. I’m not clear. But check out HIS website AND his myspace blog. And don’t you worry, dear readers. Basil Marceaux the Third is already born. I’m sure he’ll be running for Congress soon.

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. has dropped out of his the race for Senate, because he didn’t make it on the ballot (shocking). A sad day for us all, to be sure.

Here’s Pagels’s ad (his mouth scares the shit out of me):

Dude. Even Hitler liked porn, right? I can’t imagine why this guy didn’t make it on the ballot! I’m kind of sad, though, because I really want to see him force all government to not spend more money than they bring in. Really, Ernest? Good luck with that. Even us normal people, who don’t have to run an entire country or state or city, can barely do that.

These characters are some scary proof that ANYONE can run for political office, all it takes is that pesky citizenship. I know it’s a “free” country and all, but should we maybe consider at least a third grade math and reading test before we allow someone to run for office? Or not, I’m laughing my ass off over here. No teeths depresses people!