Rather than a breakup, I have a conundrum.
One of my friends is getting married in September. She’s a friend I met through my ex-boyfriend (they’ve known each other a few months longer). An ex-boyfriend I’m none to fond of. I’m invited to the wedding, but I’ve been told the whole time that he (and his new girlfriend) are not invited. I’ve been planning to go since about April.
Today, said friend emailed me to let me know that she is now, in fact, inviting my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend to her wedding, but she hopes that I’ll still come. And while that’s great and it’s her day and I want her to be happy, spending a weekend in the middle of nowhere (and somewhere we actually spent a weekend TOGETHER once) trapped with my ex and his girlfriend isn’t exactly my idea of a good time, you know?
My friend does sometimes read my blog (sorry, friend, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I swear. It’s your wedding and you have to do what’s going to make you the happiest), so there’s a chance she’ll read this. Hence the vague.
My question is this: Do I suck it up and go spend the weekend with my ex, who is likely to be a drunken asshole? Or is it fair to say that I now can’t come because the conditions under which I accepted the invitation have been changed?
I won’t lie, part of me is a little bit hurt by this, but I think I understand what happened. Ex’s new girlfriend isn’t an asshole, even if Ex is (and everyone knows it), and my friend has become actual friends with her. I would never ever tell her that she shouldn’t have her friend at her wedding. This is my issue, not hers.
So in the end, I’m the one with a decision to make. I can almost guarantee that if I go to this wedding, it will not be good for me. I will survive, yes, but I’m not sure I really want to put myself through it. And I can almost tell you with certainty that he doesn’t want to be around me any more than I want to be around him. This is a person who broke me. Who changed everything (for me, nothing changed for him). A person I loved more deeply than nearly anyone in my life, and who hurt me more than nearly anyone in my life ever has. A person who could discard me just as easily as he gets rid of the trash. And while I have no interest in being with him, I also have no interest in hanging out or being friendly.
I’m sure some of you will say that this means I’m not over it. There are some things about the relationship that I’m not over, actually. HE is not one of them, but there’s plenty of lasting damage from his actions. I’m on friendly terms with nearly everyone else I’ve ever dated, but I can’t imagine that he will ever be one of those. I spent a year and a half with the man, and never really noted him to be a good friend. There’s no reason to want to be friends with him.
And it’s not like this will just be a two-hour event and I can just avoid him. This is a wedding to be held at a campsite-type place in Arkansas. It will be a whole weekend. There will be drinking and partying and such. And being around him drunk is on my list of things I never want to do again. Ever.
Any advice?
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about 1 month ago
To be honest, if this were me, I wouldn’t go. I don’t need to deal with that sort of emotional and mental roller coaster. Call me selfish, but the older I get, the more I realize that people do what is comfortable for them and if this is going to make you uncomfortable, then don’t go.
Marie´s last blog ..Say Something!
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Meh, I’m all about being selfish right now.
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about 1 month ago
Don’t do it girl! Your well being is so much more important than a wedding. The bride will understand.
I’m sure you can find something much better to do that weekend – you should make a point of treating yourself to a spa day that weekend.
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Wouldn’t that be nice! Someone send me a gift card to the spa!
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about 1 month ago
Well if it was me and certain ex then I probably would not go. But you have to think if you don’t go will you regret not being there for your friends big day?
You might end up regretting that more than having to spend the weekend with an ex.
lbluca77´s last blog ..Men shouldn’t look like a hairless cat- but there is a difference between body hair and “sir do you need your back hair braided”
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Weeellll, I think we all know how I feel about weddings. And if it were only a ceremony and a reception, I would go and just avoid him. But it’s a weekend in the middle of nowhere, where he’ll be drunk. I just don’t think I can do it.
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about 1 month ago
Yeah, I’m with the other peeps. Don’t go. I really can’t even be funny about telling you not to go.
And that’s non-funny advice from Travis.
Travis´s last blog ..Memoir Monday- Jumping Off The WallThen Climbing Back Up It
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
I won’t laugh then.
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about 1 month ago
Honestly, I wouldn’t go. The bride warned you in advance that she was now inviting them, so I think she understands that this is going to be tough for you. I would just tell her upfront, that you’re sorry you’ll have to miss her big day, but that if you go, you would be a grouch and totally unfun and you don’t want to ruin it for her. Send a gift and your best wishes, and stay home.
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Yep, that’s pretty much what I did.
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about 1 month ago
Seconding Marie. If it will be half as awful for you as it sounds, you don’t need to go through that. I think you just email your friend and tell her that you appreciate her letting you know, and that you’re going to have to miss out, you’re just not prepared to devote a whole weekend to being in the same vicinity as someone who hurt you so badly. Offer to celebrate later – and know you’ll have to sit through some serious wedding photo viewing.
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
I think she understands.
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about 1 month ago
Don’t go. Sorry bride. But I agree that nothing good can come from this.
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Yep, and you know what I’m talking about.
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about 1 month ago
I agree with everyone else, especially on the fact that her “warning” you that she invited them indicates that’s she’s probably already anticipating a change in your plan. It sucks that it went down this way, but if she has the gall to be upset with you for not going then she’s not the friend you thought she was anyway.
Mary´s last blog ..“Reality” Television
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
I think she understands why I don’t want to be there.
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about 1 month ago
You know yourself better than anyone else, and if you’re not up for it, then you’re not up for it. I think you should tell the bride and explain to her that you’re not asking her to choose one friend or the other but that for you, his not being there was a critical factor in your decision to go. You’ll know when you’ve healed enough to be around him and just laugh and think “What a douchenozzle” without it really affecting you, and if you’re not there yet, then don’t go.
If, however, between now and the wedding you meet some total hottie who adores you and who’s willing to spend a weekend mauling you in front of your ex, then go and take him along and have fun watching your ex squirm. Or is it just me who likes to do that?
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I feel bad about having to change my mind about being there, but I really did only agree to go because he wasn’t going to be there. So I feel like this is probably expected.
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about 1 month ago
I may not be the right person to answer this because I’m by nature a little bit flaky and probably wouldnt’ actually follow through to a wedding in Arkansas in the first place, unless it was a very close friend or family… But there’s no way I would go. Not even a little bit worth it. There’s no reason to put yourself through something that is going to make you that uncomfortable when the only solace your getting is making your friend happy by attending her wedding. I’m sure she has been in uncomfortable situations in the past and will understand!
carissa´s last blog ..Little love for my city- good tunes- and awesome television
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I love it that you just called yourself flaky.
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about 1 month ago
Dude. Dude. I say this with all support and affection, and am not at all trying to be a sanctimonious prick, but — dude. Check yo’self. Should you really be blogging about this? You did put in an apology for the friend in case she reads this but, man, can you imagine how upsetting it might be for an already-stressed bride to read about this situation before she hears about it? With all the other issues going on in a soon-to-be bride’s life, I think it might be upsetting to hear that changes to her guest list are negatively affecting a prospective guest’s (and friend’s!) life. I don’t know what this girl’s like or what your relationship is, and she might be a total superhero, but I know that if I were her and I read this blog entry, I would probably cry.
Sorry, dude, like I said, not at all trying to be a jackass or judgmental. I just felt really strongly about mentioning the possibility that she might take this post to be hurtful.
That said, for the situation itself, I’m going to pass on the sage advice one of my good friends gave me when I recently decided to forgo a good friend’s wedding because of the $800 airfare: “Imagine if it were your wedding, and she were in the exact same situation you were right now. If she chose not to go, how angry or upset would that make you?”
For me, I decided my friend who was getting married had enough delightful stuff going on in her life, and my presence wouldn’t make or break the event. Plus, thanks to Facebook, once you spend a few hours looking at the photos, it’s like you were there anyway!
That Kind Of Girl´s last blog ..TKOG Who attempts to exceed her limits whines piteously for an ambulance
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 10:57 am
I sincerely doubt she’ll cry or even be upset about any of this. She knows how I feel about the whole thing and I suspect that she’s anticipating a change in my attendance. Also, I didn’t say anything mean or rude or hurtful about her (nor do I have any such feelings about her). I do understand WHY she’s changed her mind about inviting them, I think, which I said, but now I have a decision to make. Mostly, I have no inherent strong feelings about weddings, and so sometimes it’s good to get a reminder that they ARE important to other people..
Also, this is my blog and it’s supposed to be about my feelings and such. I don’t think this is necessarily the sensitive topic that you’re making it out to be (which is completely understandable, as you don’t know either of us or the situation). It’s probably more sensitive for me than the bride. And I know she will understand if I choose not to be there. I can also say with 100% certainty that should I ever decide to get married, I would completely understand someone else’s decision not to attend my wedding if I invited someone who makes them as uncomfortable as this is likely to make me. Writing and blogging is just how I happen to get my feelings out, but none of this was meant maliciously or as guilt. I write about all kinds of things I shouldn’t write about, so I guess this is no exception.
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about 1 month ago
Depends how good of a friend she is to you.
I’m not good to ask about this stuff because if I say I’m going to something, I go no matter what changes. I don’t care if they have it on the moon.
But that would be awesome. No gravity nuptials. Suck it Neil Armstrong!
Rahul´s last blog ..Charity Isn’t Just The Stripper From Last Night
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Yeah, normally I feel pretty much that way. But the conditions upon which I accepted the invitation have changed. So I feel like I’m justified in saying that I can’t come now.
Plus, yesterday I decided that I’m against all non-zombie weddings from here forth.
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Laura Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Zombie weddings all the way! (That is all i have to say on this entire subject)
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Maybe we should just get married, so we can have one?
Laura Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Umm… done.
about 1 month ago
I hear ya, I had(have) an ex that’s kind of like that. But we don’t have any mutual friends anymore so I don’t have to deal with stuff like this.
I see three ways to handle it:
1. Like everyone is saying here, she warned you in advance, so it’s very likely she understands that you might not come. You could simply apologize and send a present.
2. If it’s possible to just drive up there for the main event, that’s what I would do. But if it’s too far, I wouldn’t go.
3. Go there for the weekend, and become the new GFs best friend. Because there is nothing guys hate more then when ex’s start befriending their new GFs. It would drive him nuts all weekend trying to figure out what you’re talking to her about. I like this suggestion, but I’m kind of an asshole
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
And while the last option is nice, and I actually suspect we WOULD be friends, I have been in this girl’s shoes and I don’t really want to make her life a living hell. I’m not actually an enormous bitch.
It’s too far to just drive up for the ceremony. As always, excellent insight. And I do wish I could go for option 3.
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Jenny Reply:
August 1st, 2010 at 10:04 am
option 3 is pretty much one of my favourite things to do with exes and their gfs. That makes me out to be a psycho bitch; I’m not, it’s just something I’ve done once or twice. Plus some of my weirdly best friendships have come out of doing that kind of thing.
Meanwhile I would point out that (admit it) you’re kind of curious about what would happen if you went. If you weren’t you wouldn’t have blogged about it – so there’s definitely a bit of you that’s curious about going. Look fucking awesome and don’t drink too much, if you go. But equally (I don’t know) it is miles and it’s a whole weekend. Sounds like you’ve decided not to go anyway which is (let’s be honest) probably the sensible choice, especially since the bride is being understanding
.
xxx
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shine Reply:
August 1st, 2010 at 10:19 am
Actually, I pretty much know what will happen. And it’s not something I want to deal with AT ALL. I blogged about it because, honestly, weddings don’t mean shit to me, so I wanted to make sure that it was acceptable to not go because of this sort of thing. Also, writing is how I tend to work out my feelings about things, and by the end of writing this post, I knew for sure how I felt about it. But again, weddings don’t mean anything to me, so it’s good to have a reminder that they ARE a big deal for some people.
Also, I’ve been in his girlfriend’s shoes, and I imagine that would be almost as much of a weekend of hell for her as it would for me.
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Jenny Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 10:17 am
Well, yes, it’s certainly perfectly acceptable to not go because of this sort of thing. I think the thing about wedding invites is that short of parents and siblings and bestest friends evar EVAR, people don’t really…mind, you know? My cousin’s wedding invites to two of our cousins actually said on them ‘if you don’t feel like you’ve got the time for or can afford the trip down, I know it’s a long way, so don’t feel obliged to attend’, which was basically tantamount to saying ‘I really don’t care if you come or not’. And the thing is while that’s kind of harsh and tactless it is also true. As a bride or groom it’s all about you and the person you’re marrying and you’re probably in a bit of a blissed out daze for a lot of the wedding anyway; as much as your friend cares about your friendship with her at the end of the day she’s really not going to mind your absence in actual fact, especially since she knows your not being there is no kind of a snub to her. So no, it’s understandable that you don’t want to go. Thinking about, actually, some guys I’ve been out with… no, there’s no way I’d spend a weekend with some of them, either, drunk or otherwise. Others, yes, I’d be masochistically curious, but. No.
As for weddings not meaning a lot to you, I dunno. My mother never wanted to get married, just assumed she’d find a good guy, move in, have kids, etc etc, but when it came to it she and my dad got married for the sake of my dad’s parents who are quite religious, and she said that actually it was really really good to have this day where she could stand up in front of her whole family and friends and make those vows with my dad as an expression of their love for one another. That was the way I used to look at it. Then I got all hormonal and christian, but yeah.
Jenny´s last blog ..Hypochondria BSc
about 1 month ago
If it was a single event I’d say go, be happy with your friend, and wear a killer dress a la the best revenge is living well.
Since it is more of a whole weekend event, though, I’m on the side of not going for the sake of your own sanity. Presuming, of course, that you’re not IN the wedding or performing some other sort of function already committed to.
Scraps´s last blog ..Deep Breaths and Shallow Thoughts
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Nope. I’m free and clear there. Not in the wedding.
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about 1 month ago
It’s nice to be sensitive to bride’s feelings and all, but you’re within every right to express your frustrations/hesitations here, and if I were the bride, I would understand the way you feel. In fact, I bet the bride suspects you may not be in attendance. Short of her saying, “I know how uncomfortable this is for you but it would really mean the world to me if you could come” I say you put yourself and your ‘feelers’ first… because at the end of the day you need to be able to live with the impact ex-factor has. And, I think, any good friend understands that.
Jenny DB´s last blog ..must see- the earthlings
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
She kind of did say that, but I’m still not going to put myself through it. I think she understands.
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about 1 month ago
I couldn’t do it. I think it was very nice of her to give you the heads up, and I would heed the warning and decline the invite.
And I don’t think it has anything to do with being over it. I would say I’m over my ex-husband, but I have NO desire to see him. There are many things about him and that relationship that almost give me a panic attack still, but it has nothing to do with feelings toward him.
Lisa´s last blog ..An observation
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shine Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Thanks. It’s nice to know that someone understands. I just don’t need that right now. Or ever, but particularly not right now.
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about 1 month ago
I totally understand. I also suspect exactly how he would act and it would make EVERYONE uncomfortable, not just you. You have made the right decision.
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about 1 month ago
i think like you’ve said – the fact that she gave you the heads up is also her way of giving you a way to back out if you want to. i can’t imagine she’d be too upset about it, or she would have told you he was coming… but begged you not to change your mind. meh. don’t go if it’ll be more angst than fun.
Alice´s last blog ..ALLLL of July! in one wee post if by wee i mean immense which i do
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shine Reply:
August 1st, 2010 at 10:16 am
She did ASK me not to change my mind, but…well, that’s just not a feasible solution, at this point.
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about 1 month ago
It seems that pretty much everyone agrees, so I will just concur. My wife and I were in a similar situation for a couple of years with another couple, and we eventually realized it was best to avoid them when we could. Not only because of the stress on us, but because of how much stress it put on our mutual friends.
I think a note to the bride-to-be, focusing on how you would like to eliminate any potential drama from her special day, and making clear that you have no hard feelings and really wish her the best, would probably reduce her stress, rather than add to it.
Maybe then spend the weekend pampering yourself, as others suggested.
Chris´s last blog ..Mississippi Kites
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shine Reply:
August 1st, 2010 at 10:17 am
Yeah, I’ve already told her I’m not coming. I didn’t want to drag it out.
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about 1 month ago
SKIP IT.
Chances of having a wonderful time with bride and friends are good, but not guaranteed.
Chances that you will run into him and it will feel awful and your stomach with roil with remembered emotional turmoil – 99%
Whatever good might come of the trip, it will be overshadowed by his presence. Not fair, but true. You know better by now. It’s not worth the risk.
♥
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shine Reply:
August 1st, 2010 at 10:20 am
Yeah, I already told her I couldn’t go any more. It’s just not worth it to me. Sad, but true.
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about 1 month ago
glad you’ve decided not to go. Do what’s right for you….
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about 1 month ago
I was totally going to vote “be the bigger person and go” until I got to the part about it being a weekend-long camping event. If it was one night, I’d say tough it out. But a whole weekend? That’s too much to ask.
Ells´s last blog ..Bear with me- theres BOOZE at the end
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about 1 month ago
You need to do what is BEST FOR YOU. And if your friend is REALLY your friend, she’ll understand.
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about 1 month ago
I’ll take the invite for you. I told her I was going to crash it anyway and I am dying to run down the aisle, butt naked, during the ceremony and jump into the pond! I’m all in on this one. Otherwise…do what you have to do.
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about 1 month ago
Life’s too short to spend any of it doing things you don’t want to — and don’t have to. There will be plenty of times in your life that you *will* have to do things you don’t want to, but this is not one of them. If your friend doesn’t understand that, you need better friends.
Johnny Virgil´s last blog ..At least I wasnt naked
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about 1 month ago
Is it possible to only go for the day/wedding and not stay the whole weekend? Maybe that is the answer….if not, then I would suck it up and go. Its for your friend… its her day.
Holly B´s last blog ..You Can Dress Me Up- But You Cant Always Take Me Out – Tuesdays With Pam
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