It’s Friday, we should breakup – Tiger Woods and all the people who think he owes them an apology.
Feb 19th
You guys, I’m just going to apologize in advance. I know no one wants to hear anything more about Tiger Woods and I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about him, but I am on OVERLOAD.
Mostly, I couldn’t care less that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. If I ever liked anything about Tiger Woods, it was that he’s cute and really good at golf. He’s still cute. I would assume he’s still really good at golf. What he does with his dick has NOTHING to do with his golfing abilities. He’s not famous for being a good husband. He’s famous for being a good GOLFER.
Now, did he capitalize on a clean image? An image of one who is a good husband? Sure. I guess. Honestly, I never noticed. I didn’t even know he was married or had kids for the longest time.
What I do know is that Tiger Woods changed the face of golf. No more was it just for stuffy old white men (sorry, Granddaddy). I’m sure there were a few cute ones before Tiger, but he really made everyone stand up and take notice. Of golf. One of the most boring sports to watch in the history of all sports. Sorry dudes, but I think we can all admit this is true. And I’m a baseball fan.
I recognize that Tiger Woods is a celebrity. But he’s still a HUMAN BEING. Why are we holding him to a higher standard of living than everyone else? I wouldn’t give two shits if my neighbor cheated on his wife, why on earth should I care if Tiger Woods does?
And please, don’t try to tell me that he was a role model for your kids and now LOOK WHAT HE’S DONE! Guess what — YOU should be teaching your kids what’s right and what’s wrong. YOU should be their role model. YOU should be the one they look up to, so that when someone like Tiger Woods cheats on his wife or someone like Michael Phelps smokes a little pot, I don’t have to hear about how bad this is FOR THE CHILDREN. YOU are the parent. Not the celebrity athletes of the world.
There are certainly enough broken marriages and men and women cheating on each other in regular everyday life that a celebrity doing it shouldn’t even phase us. Why not take some responsibility for your own actions and not worry so much about what Tiger Woods does with his free time.
The truth is, if we didn’t put these celebrities and athletes on such a pedestal, this wouldn’t be such an issue. And seriously, if we’re going to let Michael Vick, who did something ILLEGAL (not just morally distasteful) and Dante Stallworth, who actually KILLED someone, back in the National Football League and we can ALL get over that, why are we so concerned that Tiger Woods slept with two dozen unattractive women?
In my personal opinion, he doesn’t owe an apology to anyone but his WIFE. And for the rest of the country to try and act like he’s done something to THEM is ridiculous. Tiger Woods hurt your feelings? Did he CHEAT ON YOU? No. Get OVER IT. He didn’t do ANYTHING to you. If you now don’t want to buy products that are endorsed by Tiger, please…DON’T. That’s the statement you get to make. But don’t whine all over the place acting like something personal has happened to you. Tiger Woods can still play golf and that’s all you ever asked him to do for you. He hasn’t let you down yet.
Having said that, Tiger Woods, I’m tired of hearing about you. Please go away. Stop being a douche to your wife. If you want to sleep with dozens of women, don’t be married. End of story.
TMI Thursday: Hey wow! We’re talking about your penis.
Feb 18th
Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time for LiLu’s TMI Thursday.
This TMI Thursday post was actually inspired by the lovely and delightful Travis. You’re reading Travis, right? I Like to Fish? C’mon people, click the link.
A few weeks ago, he wrote a special post about his penis. In which he sort of, kind of, maybe informed the whole internets that his penis is small. Or at least he implied such. Now I can’t confirm or deny such rumors, but I can tell you that his blog caused me to have a really interesting conversation with one of my coworkers.
So I’m blaming Travis for this, obviously. Even though really, it could probably be construed as my fault. Here’s what happened (my goodness, that was a brilliant transition, no?):
I read Travis’s blog and sat at my desk in stunned silence for a good five minutes. I mean, that guy just said…I mean, he just…but he confessed…hhhhmmmmm…HE JUST SAID HE COULD FIT HIS PENIS IN HIS WEDDING RING.
Now, granted, he also said that his wedding ring was really large. I tried to find a picture of a size 16 ring, but I couldn’t, so let’s just say it’s pretty big, dudes.
Okay, so I’m sitting at my desk, in stunned silence because well, no matter how big the guy’s ring is, I’m looking at my fingers and even if his fingers are twice as big that’s not a very big penis, but then I’m picturing huge penises on a hand like fingers and that thought makes me giggle.
Cue coworker walking in and sitting down for a chat. Now, this coworker isn’t really like all the other (read: He’s a pretty cool kid) and we’ve been friends for a while now. Suddenly, out of my mouth pops the most awkward question you could really ever ask a coworker: “Uh, could you like, um, could you fit your penis in one of your rings? And if you could, wouldn’t that mean your penis was pretty small? I mean, even the biggest of fingers aren’t really penis-sized…right?”
He looked at me for a second, as we both absorbed the awkwardness of the conversation. Coworker looked at his hands, which are roughly the same size as mine. He looked at me for a beat. Then he said:
“Shine, I don’t know how to tell you this, and I probably shouldn’t tell you this because man this is awkward, but…a while back, I was on a long car trip and I really had to pee. I didn’t want to pull over, so I figured I’d just pee in a water bottle. And Shine? I couldn’t get my penis in the water bottle. I had to look around for one of those wide-mouth gatorade bottles. If you know what I mean.”
I’m pretty sure at that point, my eyes widened to about the size of saucers. I probably giggled. Mind you, I had listened to this kid have sex for a month one summer, so I certainly knew he was capable of causing some moaning and groaning. His girlfriend does always seem quite happy. But I had never really contemplated his penis before. Ya know, ’cause we’re friends. And friends don’t contemplate each other’s penises.
Okay, sometimes they do, but not in this case.
After we spent some time not looking at each other and giggling, I explained the reason I was asking the question in the first place, and we both decided that it must be true. Poor Travis just confessed to the internets that he has a small penis.
And you can see how this conversation is all his fault, right?
In which I issue you an ultimatum. Or mostly just bitch about your behavior, Twerps.
Feb 17th
I’m aware that this is probably going to offend a few folks. Kindly get over it.
We have a problem. It’s with your Twitter habits. The list of things I don’t enjoy reading in a tweet is long, but for today’s purposes, let’s just focus on a few.
1. Kevin Smith and all other celebrities – STOP FILLING MY ENTIRE TWITTER FEED ANSWERING RANDOM ASS QUESTIONS. I don’t care. I’m sure most people really don’t care. I mean, if I wanted to know what kind of cereal you eat in the morning, I’d google it. I’m really tired of this and you’re about to get UNFOLLOWED. I know this makes you sad because I mean a lot to you.
@thebloggess gets a pass because I actually want to hear her answer questions. She counts as celebrity, right?
2. Formspring – Seriously, could there be a more “I just want to talk about myself incessantly” project in your life? Occasionally someone might ask you an interesting question, but most of the time the questions are on par with what our dear Kevin Smith is answering and I. Don’t. Care. Also, the questions are anonymous, which it says on the home screen of the website, so please try to refrain from getting your feelings hurt when people act like assholes. Welcome to life. I’ve heard it from several people. If you don’t want people to ask you anonymous asshole-ish questions, don’t put yourself in that position. (I’m not trying to be harsh here, but c’mon…people are assholes.)
@gingermandy gets a small pass for at least pretending to come up with a reason WHY she wanted people to ask her questions.
3. Four Square/4square/that other thing that does the same thing – STOP IT. I don’t care where you are. No one does. Plus, I don’t know if you’re aware, but telling people exactly where you’re going to be and when is like an invitation to get stalked by crazies. Maybe that’s just something that happens to me, but seriously, think before you tweet your location. Also, it’s just really annoying. Like whoa.
@jenniferalaine gets a pass on this one because she usually tweets something funny along with her location. And I would totally stalk her if I lived closer anyway.
4. I’m totally stealing this from @lbluca77 because she is SO RIGHT. Please stop retweeting the tweets that people tweet at you to tell you you’re awesome. It’s ridiculous. Someone said you’re awesome. That’s great. But you retweeting it makes you an asshole. Probably. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I can’t think of any. If you need to say thanks, you can just reply. No need to retweet your awesomeness.
@jayferris gets a pass because his awesome can’t be contained. But I reserve the right to remove this pass if it gets out of control.
Okay, that’s it for today, kiddos. Stop pissing me off!
UPDATED – NOW WITH ACTUAL ULTIMATUM!
I got so caught up in being pissy with you before that I forgot to issue you an ultimatum. Which was the whole point.
Hi, I’m an idiot.
Your ultimatum is this: You can pick ONE, but only ONE of the previously mentioned annoying habits to do. Please. For the good of humanity, only be annoying in one way, instead of four. Thank you. That is all.
It’s high time for a good ramble.
Feb 16th
I’ve been trying to get back to rock climbing three days a week, but life keeps getting in the way. However, I did finally get some pictures of the blessed thing. Yes, my ass is magic in that harness, thank you so much for noticing.
Climbing makes me happy. According to LOB, in this next picture, I look like I’m flying. In reality, I’m about to fall off the wall. But I was the first one to make it to the top of this particular route!
Subject change.
Valentine’s Day brings out the best and worst in people. Well, in my opinion, mostly the worst. No, I was right the first time. Best and worst. You see, single me and relationship me BOTH think Valentine’s Day is kind of stupid. I haven’t celebrated a Valentine’s Day since I was old enough to know better.
Having said that, I officially had an awesome Sunday (which started with a mimosa and a toaster pastry cooked in the microwave). I went rock climbing, then ate some wings with the girls (and possibly had 34 ounces of vodka lemonade). Then it was back to April’s place to watch her organize and hang out with Natalie. We drank champagne and at least 2.5 bottles of wine and had Chinese food and watched The Cutting Edge. Yes, The Cutting Edge. God, I so wanted to BE Moira Kelly in that movie. But as we all know, I can’t really skate.
You could have seen it in action on Saturday night at a rollerskating birthday party. I was like a baby deer at first. Smaller skates helped a lot, but still…I have no balance. Unless I’m dancing. Which is what I did after rollerskating. Oh, the sweat. There are pictures, but I won’t post them. I will say that April’s ass was drawing a crowd, so we had to put it on lock down. Then my ass got a time out. We’re a mess.
But back to the subject of Valentine’s Day. On Friday night, I went to see it (after rock climbing) with some girlfriends. It was okay. Moderately cute, but trying WAY too hard to be Love, Actually. I made a comment that I was possibly too bitter and cynical to watch love stories any more.
But that’s not really true. This just wasn’t a particularly good interpretation of one, in my opinion. It wasn’t funny enough. It wasn’t anything, really. Except a lot of cliche.
I’m not the type of person who loves love stories anyway. They aren’t real. Love is the stuff that happens when the love story movie ends. Love is laundry and cooking and cleaning and making a life with someone and wanting them for who they are and dealing with conflict. Love can’t really be wrapped up in some tiny box with a pretty bow.
I don’t like jewelry commercials. I don’t like to watch people make out in front of me. I don’t like cliche and mush and sap. So Valentine’s Day? Is not for me.
But what I hate most of all is presumptuous, holier than thou people who are in relationships telling me that there’s something wrong with me because I’m single. That I’m bitter because I think jewelry commercials and cheesy love stories are bullshit. That I’m in my own way because I don’t want to watch two people shove their tongues down each other’s throats at the movie theater.
Guess what – I hate all of those things just as much when I’m IN a relationship. And I can guarantee you right now that if I wanted to be married? I would be. But I don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t add something meaningful to my life. I don’t want to be with someone just to be with someone. I love the life that I’ve built for myself and right now, I’m not really in the market to share it with anyone. I’m not lonely. I’m not bitter. I am cynical, but hell…life has happened to me, it’s hard not to be cynical about some things.
I can tell you this: when I love someone, I love them fiercely.
Natalie made a really good point this weekend. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. That’s right up there with knowing the difference between love and habit/comfort.
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know one thing: there is nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being in a relationship (Generally. I mean, if he’s beating you, we need to talk). We’re all just trying to figure out what works for us, and the path is different for everyone.
I do occasionally worry about becoming a cliche (more lately than ever). About becoming the bitter, stereotypical, man-hating single woman. But for today, I’m not that. And as long as everyday I’m trying to be the best person I can be, I’m okay with being all by myself, romantically. I know that I’m a great friend and that my friends are truly family. I know that if one day, a man were to knock my socks off, I’d leave them across the room. I’ve had good relationships and bad. I’ve loved and I’ve been loved. I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve been the heart-breaker. That’s life. And I’ve lived it. And I will continue to do so with or without someone who sleeps in my bed and calls me “baby.”
We interrupt your regularly scheduled posting to tell you that IT’S MOTHERFUCKING SNOWING UP IN HERE.
Feb 11th
That? IS SNOW. In DALLAS. TEXAS. You guys, I’m so excited, I can’t wipe the stupid kid grin off my face. SNOW SNOW SNOW!
Since I’ve got your attention, I’m going to tell you some things about me and snow.
1. I have never built a snowman. I would really really like to remedy this situation, but it would take like acres of land to scrape together enough snow here to do so. Since we only ever get an angry inch.
2. I have never really had a snowball fight.
3. I did once make a snow angel when I was a kid in Tennessee. That was pretty cool.
4. I don’t like to use my windshield wipers on snow flakes because snow is so pretty and I feel like I’m throwing it away.
5. Snowflakes in my eyelashes can make me happy for hours.
Best thing I’ve read about the snow today. Damn, weather.com is dramatic.
A Winter Storm Warning is in effect. A significant winter storm or hazardous winter weather is occurring, imminent, or likely, and is a threat to life and property. Stay vigilant for severe weather.
Stay vigilant FOR severe weather? WTF?
All I know is, I wish I were home curled up on my couch with some hot cocoa. But I’m at work. The worst of the snow and such is going to be today, but my boss just said he might close the office tomorrow. Meanwhile, that means I have to stay here all day and drive home in the ice this afternoon. Good times. I’m considering calling him and telling him I fear for my safety on the roads today, and I’m going to work from home. Only I can’t really work from home, you see…
I’m going to go watch the snow.
–Shine out.
