• If you're going to advertise a girdle, at least find a person who needs a girdle to model it. Oh, and you get to see my ass.

    Generally speaking, I’m not a big fan of the girdle. Sure, I’ve got some lumpy parts or whatever, but most of the “shapewear” out there tends to just smoosh the fat you’re trying to conceal out somewhere else. For instance, let’s say I think my ass looks fat in these pants (and no, I would never ask the question. Because if I’m even thinking the question, I probably already know the answer). So I go out and get some “shapewear” to make my ass look slimmer. That’s just going to push all my other fat out the top. Ew.

    But the thing that kills me the most about this stuff is that they always have some skinny chick modeling it. Because, you know, she needs it. No.

    Perfect example? While I was getting ready this morning, I saw this:

    Yeah, yeah, I know. There are fat people in there. But the main model? Skinny. In no need of a girdle. Has perfect thighs. I hate her.

    Also, my favorite part? The little cartoony re-enactment of what happens when you, dear fat person, put on the girdle thingy. You could look up to 20 pounds slimmer! Notice how the cartoon girl’s fat just…disappears! That could be you! No.

    Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way and that model can shove her girdle where the sun don’t shine, I’m going to show you my ass.

    See, yesterday, I was on my way to meet my climbing buddies, but I really needed a shower. I hopped in and lathered up. As I was shaving my legs, I guess some of my body wash was still on the floor of the tub and I slipped. Hardcore. I was sliding and my ass landed on the soap dish. Now I have this:

    Yes, that’s a picture of my ass. Don’t ever say I don’t love you guys. It hurts like hell to sit down.

30 Comments


  1. surviving myself says:

    If there's one way to get me to comment, it's pics of asses. But man, that looks painful. Uh, pun intended I think.

  2. Jay Ferris says:

    This post should be tagged "NSFW".

  3. Life in the Cube says:

    Ouch, now that's what pain looks like. At least it was your butt and not your head. Now go get some rubber thingy's to stick on the bottom of your tub so that won't happen again.

  4. Organic Meatbag says:

    Hooray for ass… I think it would be painful to get my junk caught in an ice cream maker…

  5. Daniel says:

    Owie. Salami on white bread. And the worst/best thing? That thing is going to go purple and yellow and go all the way down your leg…

  6. peterdewolf says:

    Wow. Not that is a bruise.

  7. peterdewolf says:

    not = now

  8. Anonymous says:

    I once woke up with a bruise on my ass in the shape of Idaho. Or at least I thought it was a bruise. Turns out that the night before I'd done a little drinkin' with the fellas out in Boise and ended up in a tattoo parlor. Who knew Boise was such a happening place?

  9. Chris says:

    First time I ever read your blog you show me a pic of your ass?

    You had me at bruse!

  10. Alice says:

    woooowwww. that's a GOOD one. dang. i'm sorry :-)

  11. Phronk says:

    Holy fuck, that's the worst bruise I've ever seen. I'm sorry that happened. I hope there aren't complications and you have to get your ass removed.

  12. Joanna says:

    Jeez, woman. I guess it's time for you to get one of those safe walk-in old people tubs, huh? Also, yes, when I put on a girdle it just slides on instantly. I am Grace Personified. That skinny bitch.

  13. Marnie Elizabeth says:

    So when a person puts this on, there's the muffin top that will inevitable rise out of girdle top, but what's the word the bottom girdle bulge?

  14. PorkStar says:

    Holy cow dude, that's some bruise! Now turn the other cheek for a spanking and make it even. : )

    JK

  15. Jeff says:

    new Crayola color: Bruise Purple

  16. Just A Girl says:

    2 things. First: Fucking OUCH. OW OW OW.

    Second: FUCK THAT FUCKING STUPID COMMERCIAL AND THAT FUCKING SKINNY CUNT WHO WEIGHS WHAT MY LEFT THIGH WEIGHS. I'M ANGRY. YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE I'M TYPING IN CAPS.

  17. smh2141 says:

    with an ass like that who needs a girdle?

  18. Travis says:

    Cheese and rice. Do you need a photographer? That's got to go in the rules of dating book! "I've slipped and fallen on my ass in the shower. I need a picture taken of it for my blog, but this is only our second date." If you take the picture without touching me inappropriately, turn to page 38. If you try to obtain a rear entry, close the book and get the fuck outta my house.

  19. headbitingprincess says:

    oh my oouchers !!!!

  20. shine says:

    surviving myself: Dually noted. More ass pictures in the future.

    Jay Ferris: I think my ass is SFW, thank you.

    Life in the Cube: But I hate sitting on those things in the tub! Okay, I also hate my ass looking like this…

    Organic Meatbag: Feel free to try and let me know.

    Daniel: So far so good on the "down my leg" front. It's staying in one place.

    peterdewolf: Not does not equal now.

    Anon: You're weird.

    Chris: I aim to please.

    Alice: It hurts!

    Phronk: If I have to have an ass-ectomy, you'll be the first to know.

    Joanna: Skinny bitch, yourself. I saw the pictures, you look GREAT!

    Marnie Elizabeth: I don't know, but we should invent one. Urban Dictionary!

    PorkStar: Consider it turned.

    Jeff: Patent pending.

    Just a Girl: I'm with you on all of this. All of it.

    smh2141: Aw, thank sis.

    Travis: I like the Choose Your Own Adventure idea. Good call!

    headbitingprincess: You ain't kidding.

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