• It’s Friday, we should break up – Cottonelle Toilet Paper

    Do NOT be fooled by that cute little puppy. This toilet paper is of the devil.

    Okay, it’s probably not that bad. But it’s not good.

    Dear Cottonelle,

    I used to be an Angel Soft girl. For years, really. Then I discovered Northern triple-ply, which is like the 7th cloud of heaven for my ass (and costs as much as a five-star hotel room). The problem? It clogs the toilet even when there’s just pee.

    Then I decided to try to be a good steward of the earth and use recycled toilet paper. Boy, was that a mistake. If triple-ply is the 7th cloud of heaven, recycled toilet paper is like the 7th gate of hell, complete with Satan’s claw for wiping your ass. Are the hippies just against that outer layer of skin?

    That’s all to explain how I ended up at the grocery store, pondering my toilet paper decision for the first time in a decade. And there you were:

    Look at the cute puppy! It has aloe! And so I purchased it. Damn you, marketing.

    In all the years I’ve been wiping my own ass, I’ve never experienced this…aside from the scary one-ply in public bathrooms, maybe. The toilet paper keeps ripping. Like, there’s a hole in it and I end up with my excrement dangerously close to my fingers. How can this be, Cottonelle? You’re TOILET PAPER. This is your JOB.

    Maybe you need to go back to toilet paper school? Did you just go for the associates degree? I’d like toilet paper with a masters degree, thank you very much. Do your job. I do not want poo on my fingers.

    That is all.


    PS – That puppy is still really cute. Please send him to me for hugs, because of my toilet paper trauma. Thank you.


  1. gingermandy says:

    what? shine doesn’t poop.

  2. Marie says:

    I’m a Charmin girl myself. Have been for years. No need for poo on the hand. Nuh-uh.

    If they’re going to sell that sort of craptastic toilet paper, they’ll need to throw in the cute puppy for free for sure.

  3. Travis says:

    Well, you’re back. And talking about poop already. I’m not allowed to make TP decisions in our household, because I want anything 42 ply and above. Also, girls don’t poop.

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