Picture from Cracked.com, click picture to read article on the 4 stages of life on the internet.
If you follow me on Twitter (what? You don’t? Well, now you can’t say I’ve never asked…do IT!), you might have seen this tweet last night. (Ooohh, you can’t see it because my profile is blocked? FOLLOW ME, duh.)
I think that pretty much says it all, but we’re still going to go back to the beginning. You see really, it all started with someone thinking it would be a good idea for my Nana and Pops to have iPhones. Let me be clear, I think sometimes working the DVD player is hard for them, and my Pops and I once had a 30-minute conversation about whether the remote control that came with his laptop was a remote control or a mouse. Guess who won that one? Yeah, not me. I gave up.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, someone in my family bought them iPhones. AND taught them to text. This has already resulted in many unfortunate minutes of my life being disrupted (I know…poor me, I have to read texts from my grandparents).
For instance, in August at 12:25 am, I received this text from my Nana: “Shine, are you out there?” The answer is YES, BUT I’M SLEEPING.
And who could forget the great holiday texts of ’09? Feel free to not READ the long ones. I’m just including them for effect.
From Nana on my birthday: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the first born of a new [a bunch of last names with a royal persuasion]. We love you and believe in you. May the new year reveal God’s next phase of your destiny. Blessings!
This one isn’t so bad. Except I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in destiny. Small potatoes, really.
From Pops on my birthday: h a p p y. B i r t h d a y. Precious one. Pops
Then later on my birthday: love ya. Birthday girl. Pops.
From Nana on Christmas (and try to imagine this on an iPhone screen; it took at least three scrolls to get through it): Hope your Christmas was nice. We missed being with you and your family. We had a good time with [blah blah family members]. [More family members] came in this morning, and Mother has gone back to Manchester with them. They’ll leave for Texas Monday morning so we’ll go back to Manchester then and stay until we leave for home. I hope you will enjoy your Christmas gifts but if you prefer something else, feel free to return it to Coldwater Creek. I gave all the females the same thing (scarves were different) and even purchased one for myself. It’s chilly in [family member’s] house so I’m sitting here wrapped on mine right now. Love you very much and hope to see more of you in the new year. –Nana
This one is bizarre for several reasons. Not the least of which is that she IS my family. I’m not sure what imaginary family she was talking about, unless this is more wishful thinking about me getting married and having children. Also, on Christmas day? I drank vast quantities of mimosas and played Wii Cheer.
From Pops on Christmas: Merry Christmas. pops & nana
From Pops, sometime in March: good morning special Shine, —hope you are having an excellent day… thinking of you often and hopeing solid going well…………. wih it would be possible to be together more. Pops
I still don’t really know what “hopeing solid” was supposed to mean, but I moved past it.
The thing that I love about them is how VERY different they are about texting, but that they BOTH feel the need to sign their names to every text message. And just by the way, the random ellipses, spaces, and dashes are present when he types, too. And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with them sending me text messages. I mean, I do have a problem when my Nana writes me a mini-novel, and this happens pretty much every time she texts me.
But then, last Saturday, came one of the scariest grandparent texts I’ve ever seen (which is including the time Nana asked me if I knew how to build a website).
please call me
I need tutoring about
facebook please help
There’s no reason for my Pops to even know what YouTube IS. My first thought was to find the crazy person who told him about this stuff and beat him senseless.
I texted him back and explained that this wasn’t really something I felt I could explain over the phone, but I could possibly come up to his apartment and explain it in person. His response?
I would love to see you.
I thought u could explain over the phone.
I know I could learn more in person.
What time would that be if u could come ?
As I write I trying to think of a way that would encourage that to happen !!!!! Pops
Thanks for this text. PS
He’s so cute, right?
Well, now, he’s on the facebook (most of his reaction to the things on facebook was, “How do people have time for all this silly stuff?” Right on, Pops). AND he wants to start a blog (I set one up for him. His first question, “How can I make it so people can pay me for stuff?” I don’t think he gets it). Oh, and he just sort of invented the idea of Etsy, without realizing there was an Etsy (He said, “Oh, I could just find the people who make things and then I would sell the stuff on the internet for them. I could be the middle man!” Oh Pops, no one needs a middle man any more). And when he says, “Now, can this link to my emails?” I have no idea what he means. AT ALL.
I did manage to convince that YouTube was a place he should never go. I was concerned, much like parents who don’t want their children to run willy nilly around the internets because they might stumble across some porn, that my Pops would stumble onto some…porn. Or, magic carrots forbid, find some way to MAKE videos or something.
You see, my Nana came up with this awesome online business plan. She’s a really good decorator. So she thought she would make videos of herself decorating tables for parties, which she would then make into a DVD, and sell on the internet. Immediately, my concerns were this:
1. They don’t have (nor do they know how to operate) a video camera.
2. If they managed to procure a video camera AND figured out how to use it, they have no idea how to upload video to their computer.
3. If they did get through steps 1 and 2, they have no idea how to upload video content to the internets.
4. Even if they managed to get through steps 1-3, why on earth would anyone want to buy a DVD of my Nana decorating a table when they could just GOOGLE MARTHA STEWART?
And all of this? Is what happens when my Nana is without a job for two months. My Pops wants to be all over the internets, and she’s got him trying to build websites and sell decorating DVDs.
Additionally, he sent a reminder in his phone that I was coming up to visit him. When the alarm went off to remind him, he thought I was texting him, so he texted me back, “See u then !!!! Pops”
You see why an iPhone is wasted on him, right?