Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

  • Okay, that’s just too far.

    21

    I was skeptical about Twitter at first, y’all. Really, I was. And now we have a love affair for the ages. I assume most people either love Facebook or they love Twitter (MySpace, what?), but few are equally excited about both.

    I’m looking at you, LiLu, master of all sharing your thoughts via social networking.

    I never even think about Facebook (Oh, but I made my blog a page thingy! Go like it!) updating.

    But now, Twitter, you’ve gone too effing far. I’m not sure it’s really your fault, aside from the fact that you EXIST.

    There are few things I find more bizarre than people who set up Twitter accounts for their pets. Your pets do not need social media. Take your dog to the dog park, she doesn’t need you to tweet in her voice. Now, it’s gone one step further. According to this article on Mashable, your cat can now tweet. Your cat. On Twitter. Without supervision.

    I guess that will be when he’s on break from pissing in your purse or opening all your cabinets or destroying your mini-blinds. Please, Twitter, make this stop. What’s next? Your cat needs a cell phone?

    I have no idea why this is only for cats and not dogs. Probably because your dog’s too busy licking his balls to be worried about tweeting. Maybe you should be, too.

  • It’s Friday, we should break up – Beatles haters (with an iPhone tie-in)

    21

    If something has pissed you off this week (or month, or year), BREAK UP WITH IT! Participate in Shine’s Friday Breakup and link back to the hub.

    Grab the badge below.

    First things first, I thought we’d try something new. I’ve seen a couple of Friday breakups running around, and I decided it might be nice to link them all back here. I’ll post your links if you send them to me. And I’ve made a handy little badge, so you can use it on your own blog!

    ~~~~oOo~~~~

    There are people out there who claim to hate the Beatles (I’ve dated a couple of them and April also claims such hatred). I don’t understand these people.

    Yes, you can absolutely hate the music. Everyone has different taste in music. But to say you hate the Beatles? C’mon. You have to at least respect what the Beatles did for music. Just like you have to respect what Elvis Presley did for the pelvis.

    Which kind of means you’re hating the Beatles just to hate the Beatles. Or you’re hating the Beatles because most people like the Beatles. Or you don’t understand the influence that the Beatles (and I’m sure other bands of the time, but let’s face it, the Beatles are the most recognizable choice, even after five decades) had on the music that you listen to today.

    And I feel the same about those of you who want to sit out there and say you hate the iPhone. That’s great. Hate it all you want, while you enjoy that other fancy phone you’ve bought. That phone? Probably only possible because a thing called iPhone exists.

    Is the iPhone perfect? Hell no. But what phone is? Personally, I’m not a fan of Microsoft. But Apple certainly has its faults. They’re far too proprietary with their technology and their information, which can make my life difficult. But if I were Apple? I probably would be, too.

    I can’t think of many things I’m willing to say I hate without a good reason. I hate American Idol because it’s basically karaoke and I don’t think it’s adding anything valuable to my television line-up. I hate Twilight because it’s a poorly written piece of crap series about vampires that aren’t vampires. I hated the new Sex and the City movie (read my review here!) because it made women everywhere look like a joke and it was incredibly disrespectful to any Middle Eastern culture.

    So that’s it, Beatles haters, we’re breaking up. Come up with a reason to hate the Beatles that isn’t “because everyone likes them” and we’ll talk. Otherwise, maybe consider having some respect for the talent and the influence on your music. Yeah, and stop hating my iPhone, it kicks your phone’s ass (I’m pretty sure).

    Kisses!

  • It’s Friday, we should break up – Grandparents on the internets

    27

    Picture from Cracked.com, click picture to read article on the 4 stages of life on the internet.

    If you follow me on Twitter (what? You don’t? Well, now you can’t say I’ve never asked…do IT!), you might have seen this tweet last night. (Ooohh, you can’t see it because my profile is blocked? FOLLOW ME, duh.)

    I think that pretty much says it all, but we’re still going to go back to the beginning. You see really, it all started with someone thinking it would be a good idea for my Nana and Pops to have iPhones. Let me be clear, I think sometimes working the DVD player is hard for them, and my Pops and I once had a 30-minute conversation about whether the remote control that came with his laptop was a remote control or a mouse. Guess who won that one? Yeah, not me. I gave up.

    Despite all evidence to the contrary, someone in my family bought them iPhones. AND taught them to text. This has already resulted in many unfortunate minutes of my life being disrupted (I know…poor me, I have to read texts from my grandparents).

    For instance, in August at 12:25 am, I received this text from my Nana: “Shine, are you out there?” The answer is YES, BUT I’M SLEEPING.

    And who could forget the great holiday texts of ’09? Feel free to not READ the long ones. I’m just including them for effect.

    From Nana on my birthday: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the first born of a new [a bunch of last names with a royal persuasion]. We love you and believe in you. May the new year reveal God’s next phase of your destiny. Blessings!

    This one isn’t so bad. Except I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in destiny. Small potatoes, really.

    From Pops on my birthday: h a p p y. B i r t h d a y. Precious one. Pops

    Then later on my birthday: love ya. Birthday girl. Pops.

    From Nana on Christmas (and try to imagine this on an iPhone screen; it took at least three scrolls to get through it): Hope your Christmas was nice. We missed being with you and your family. We had a good time with [blah blah family members]. [More family members] came in this morning, and Mother has gone back to Manchester with them. They’ll leave for Texas Monday morning so we’ll go back to Manchester then and stay until we leave for home. I hope you will enjoy your Christmas gifts but if you prefer something else, feel free to return it to Coldwater Creek. I gave all the females the same thing (scarves were different) and even purchased one for myself. It’s chilly in [family member’s] house so I’m sitting here wrapped on mine right now. Love you very much and hope to see more of you in the new year. –Nana

    This one is bizarre for several reasons. Not the least of which is that she IS my family. I’m not sure what imaginary family she was talking about, unless this is more wishful thinking about me getting married and having children. Also, on Christmas day? I drank vast quantities of mimosas and played Wii Cheer.

    From Pops on Christmas: Merry Christmas. pops & nana

    From Pops, sometime in March: good morning special Shine, —hope you are having an excellent day… thinking of you often and hopeing solid going well…………. wih it would be possible to be together more. Pops

    I still don’t really know what “hopeing solid” was supposed to mean, but I moved past it.

    The thing that I love about them is how VERY different they are about texting, but that they BOTH feel the need to sign their names to every text message. And just by the way, the random ellipses, spaces, and dashes are present when he types, too. And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with them sending me text messages. I mean, I do have a problem when my Nana writes me a mini-novel, and this happens pretty much every time she texts me.

    But then, last Saturday, came one of the scariest grandparent texts I’ve ever seen (which is including the time Nana asked me if I knew how to build a website).

    please call me
    I need tutoring about
    YouTube
    facebook please help
    pops

    There’s no reason for my Pops to even know what YouTube IS. My first thought was to find the crazy person who told him about this stuff and beat him senseless.

    I texted him back and explained that this wasn’t really something I felt I could explain over the phone, but I could possibly come up to his apartment and explain it in person. His response?

    I would love to see you.
    I thought u could explain over the phone.
    I know I could learn more in person.
    What time would that be if u could come ?
    As I write I trying to think of a way that would encourage that to happen !!!!! Pops
    Thanks for this text. PS

    He’s so cute, right?

    Well, now, he’s on the facebook (most of his reaction to the things on facebook was, “How do people have time for all this silly stuff?” Right on, Pops). AND he wants to start a blog (I set one up for him. His first question, “How can I make it so people can pay me for stuff?” I don’t think he gets it). Oh, and he just sort of invented the idea of Etsy, without realizing there was an Etsy (He said, “Oh, I could just find the people who make things and then I would sell the stuff on the internet for them. I could be the middle man!” Oh Pops, no one needs a middle man any more). And when he says, “Now, can this link to my emails?” I have no idea what he means. AT ALL.

    I did manage to convince that YouTube was a place he should never go. I was concerned, much like parents who don’t want their children to run willy nilly around the internets because they might stumble across some porn, that my Pops would stumble onto some…porn. Or, magic carrots forbid, find some way to MAKE videos or something.

    You see, my Nana came up with this awesome online business plan. She’s a really good decorator. So she thought she would make videos of herself decorating tables for parties, which she would then make into a DVD, and sell on the internet. Immediately, my concerns were this:

    1. They don’t have (nor do they know how to operate) a video camera.
    2. If they managed to procure a video camera AND figured out how to use it, they have no idea how to upload video to their computer.
    3. If they did get through steps 1 and 2, they have no idea how to upload video content to the internets.
    4. Even if they managed to get through steps 1-3, why on earth would anyone want to buy a DVD of my Nana decorating a table when they could just GOOGLE MARTHA STEWART?

    And all of this? Is what happens when my Nana is without a job for two months. My Pops wants to be all over the internets, and she’s got him trying to build websites and sell decorating DVDs.

    Additionally, he sent a reminder in his phone that I was coming up to visit him. When the alarm went off to remind him, he thought I was texting him, so he texted me back, “See u then !!!! Pops”

    You see why an iPhone is wasted on him, right?

  • TMI Thursday – My Vagina is Grounded

    35

    Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time for LiLu’s TMI Thursday.

    TMI Thursday

    I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a TMI Thursday. So here goes.

    My vagina is grounded. It apparently has magical powers that make men act like crazy, stalking, emotional fools, so April said I can’t use it any more. Oh, and I’m not allowed to say “Hi.”

    What? I do “Hi” really well.

    Anyway, my vagina has been grounded for about a month now. Which is fine with me, really, because I have had no urge to share it*. Since it doesn’t make me crazy, I’m allowed to use it for myself.

    Because I’m me, of course, I really had to get all the rules to this grounding. Just in case. I haven’t been grounded since high school (the trip to Mexico was TOTALLY not worth it, in retrospect), so I wanted to make sure I remembered how it worked.

    The conversation went something like this:

    Me: So this whole “my vagina is grounded” thing. Can we talk about it?

    April: You’re not getting out of it.

    Me: NO! I just want to make sure I understand the rules.

    April: It’s GROUNDED. How hard is that?

    Me: Well, is it grounded all the time or are there special circumstances in which I might be allowed to use it should I ever get the urge?

    April: ……….

    Me: Let’s say, I travel to another country. Am I allowed to use it there? Or what if I meet someone here who doesn’t live in the same city? State? Country? Would that be okay? I mean, let’s say I meet an adorable Australian man and he’s only in town for the week and he has a hotel room, so he won’t know where I live and I don’t give him my phone number. Could we declare his hotel room some sort of sovereign state for the evening?

    April: You are a pain in the ass.

    Me: These are LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS! Would you really deny me an Australian man? LIKE DR. CHASE?

    April: Okay, I don’t think it’s good enough that he just lives in another state. If he doesn’t live in the country and he’s going to be gone within the week, I suppose you can have permission. BUT THOSE ARE THE ONLY CIRCUMSTANCES.

    Me: What about Canada? It’s attached.

    April: I think there should be an ocean involved. If he has to cross an ocean to get back to you, I think we can safely assume he’ll stay away.

    So there you have it folks. You continental US people are OUT. As well as the Canadians. I’m guessing that also leaves out the people of Mexico. And really anyone in Central or South America, since they’re still kind of attached by a piece of land.  (Which is good because everyone I know who goes to Central or South America ends up married to a midget Peruvian.)

    Europeans? Africans? AUSTRALIANS? Call me. Don’t expect me to answer though. I’m difficult like that.

    *Except earlier this week when I may or may not have ended up in a…sticky situation. I know. It seems like I would have told you that story for TMI Thursday, doesn’t it?

  • It’s an EPIDEMIC. And I do NOT approve.

    61

    Not that anyone really cares what I think.  I do know this.  But I’m going to talk about this anyway, m’kay?

    This leggings as pants thing you’re doing?  It has.  Got.  To.  STOP.

    Okay, now I know that some of you are about to tell me that tights are also not leggings. But let’s be honest with each other here, okay? This is a safe place. You know as well as I do that those things you’re calling leggings are (most of the time) just tights with no feet. Don’t you feel better now that we’ve cleared the air?

    You don’t actually want to walk around looking like this, right?

    I didn’t think so. (Okay, I realize this doesn’t really look half as bad in the picture, but I was walking, so it’s blurry. It wasn’t pretty.)

    There’s a chick who works at Baker’s Shoes who is a constant offender. I know more about the lumps and bumps of her ass than I know about my own. Every time I see her, I just want to grab her shoulders, shake her, and scream, “WHY?” in her face. I haven’t done it yet, but it’s building up inside.

    I’m on board with the skinny jeans (it took me a while). If you can’t cover your ass, please…please just wear skinny jeans. Leggings are to be worn UNDER things. UNDER things that are long enough to COVER YOUR ASS. Is that so hard?

    Trust me. Your ass doesn’t look half as good as you think it does. I don’t care who you are.

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